Shannon @ 7:15:00 PM

Sunday, March 13, 2005

So... Life.

It's a crazy thing, ain't it?

I don't want to cry, but I am.

I don't want to feel sad, but I do.

I don't want to be without him, but I am.

Quite honestly I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to sit, I don't want to stand. I don't want to breathe, I don't want to suffocate. I don't want to cry, I don't want to smile. I don't want to love, and I don't want to hate.

I don't want to do homework, and I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to get up tomorrow, but I don't want to dream all day.

I sick and tired of doing the same thing everyday. Every night.

It's the same God damned thing everyday. I get up, I shower, I go to school, I come home, I relax, I cry, I do homework, I go to bed, and then the whole God damned process starts all over again. I'm sick of it. I want something to change.

I'm sick of being held to a standard and not meeting it and feeling like I let everyone I know down. I'm tired of feeling like I'm losing everything when I know I've got everything in the world.

My problem is that I don't really have everything in the world. My world. I'm missing something huge. He's become such a part of my life now... It's unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like he knows more about me than I do. And that I know more about him than I do about myself. I feel like if everyone in the entire world was to turn their back on me, he would be the only one to stay and listen. To talk. To understand.

'cause sometimes I'm not sure if any of you understand. You all know about him, but how many of you believe in us? How many of you think that we'll be together forever? Somehow I don't think many of you do... And I wish so bad that there were some way to make you all understand how much I love him. And I wish there were some way to make you understand how much he loves me. I don't know how to make that happen. I don't know how to show you that I really do love him more than anything.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of you guys. And maybe I don't say it enough... But I do. I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes, and I don't understand how you guys put up with me. I don't understand how he puts up with me.

I feel like there is so much left for me to learn. So much room for me to grow. I just want a change of scenery...

I don't want to say "One day" this, and "One day" that anymore. I want to say "now" this, and "now" that. I don't want to settle, but I have to.

Every time I talk on the phone...
I realize how close we are.
Every time I press that button to hang up, reality hits me like a rock.
I realize that those thousands of miles that just disappeared in a half hour have reappeared in a second. I realize that no matter how much I love you, I can't make that ocean go away.

One day I'll be there... One day I'll be able to see you. One day... One day far, far away...
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