Shannon @ 1:05:00 PM

Friday, March 28, 2008

Retracing the Steps...

"Well it's all so overrated in not saying how you feel. So you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real..."

It's tempting to say the least to just spout off about what's been going on lately... Tell the whole story again, relive it. But what good would that do? To say I'm finally healing might be a stretch, but... I'm coming close. All things considered I'm doing fine, I guess. Things in my life are rolling on despite my tendency to look into the past. Being at home seems to remind me of both of them... I sit her at my desk and occasionally I'll swear that out of the corner of my eye I can see him sitting at the other desk like he was still here, like we were still happy. I sometimes think that he'll get out of the shower and he'll be the first thing I really see when I wake up... It's like summer never ended, like he lingers here. Matt's here too somehow... Occassionally the phone will ring and my heart will stop, wondering if it's him... I'll lay down in bed and think about how we used to spend hours on the phone together... I remember the comfort I had when he fell asleep and I would just listen to him breathe. It's amazing what kind of comfort is brought when you just know that someone else is alive, someone else is breathing... I hate that I've lost that comfort. Being home is no longer a comfort either because I'm haunted by both of these things... I sit at home alone most of the time (my friends have gone back to school) and all I have time to do is thinking. I'm tired and I just want to let go.

But at the same time... I guess this is for the best. I need time to be independent. If I've learned nothing else through this entire process it is that I'm a very dependent person. I enjoy being attached to someone... I think it's mainly because I'm so used to it. I was 'together' with Matt for a year when I was just getting into my teens... Almost a year later I got into an almost four year relationship with Diego that ended just two weeks ago officially. For almost six years I have been constantly attached to me and I think that somehow was defining who I was... It's how I described myself. I won't say I wasn't happy or it wasn't what I wanted because that's not true... But I'm not so sure it was healthy. It's going to be interesting not having to answer to anyone... To be able to do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because in the back of my mind I know it might bring us closer, because I think it might help our relationship. I think it'll be nice to be able to look AND touch for once (haha) and to be looked at without feeling guilty.

Yes, I miss them... Or, at least I kind of do. Being independent has it's strong points and it's weak points. I miss that comfort I received from being in love, from knowing that there was someone out there that cared so deeply for me. It is going to be very hard for me to go back to being single... It's been a very long time and since I've never really dated, it'll be difficult. I know what's got to happen is that I need to be on my own for a little while, that I can't go looking for someone to love me. If it happens it happens, but if it doesn't then that's okay too. What I want is to find someone, but... How am I supposed to trust them? To love them? To let them hold my heart in their hands? I'm so scared of being alone but I know that I'm the only person I trust with my heart right now. I'm tired of fighting my own emotions over this... I just want a freaking break.

"'cause you know that I love you and I have loved you all along..."

I contemplated IMing Matt again, but... He deserves to be left alone. I said my final peace and that's all I can do. I won't force him, I can't force him... There's no use in annoying him or pissing him off anymore than I already have. I still write to him occasionally, though, but I never send them. I'll type something up and save it somewhere on my computer so I have it... It's comforting to write out my feelings even if I don't send them. I was going to... But it's not fair. He wants me to leave him alone so I need to respect that. If he comes back one day, alright, but I won't be waiting for him. I'm not waiting for anyone anymore... I'm tired of waiting. I've spent the last four years waiting on other people, giving up opportunities and chances for another person's happiness. Granted that some of these things also served the purpose for me to be happy, too, but I still spent a lot of time waiting. Nights waiting for him to sign on, mornings when I could have been sleeping. Years waiting for him to just visit, days waiting for an email or a call when he was just visiting her, seeing her, talking to her and probably not giving a second thought to me.

You know, it's kind of funny... Michy and I get along pretty well given the circumstances. I just IMed her last night and we talked for a few hours... About what's going on in our lives, about games about how we're feeling. It's her birthday soon and I hope she has a great time... She's turning 21, so. Booze all the way, haha. She has talked to Diego since we confirmed what was going on... I haven't said a word to him. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm sad that I don't talk to him, but what part of me does he deserve? I'm not sure he even deserves the most minute part of my attention anymore. I don't think I would ever be able to have a romantic relationship with him but I'm afraid... I'm so scared to get close to him anymore. (and to that point I'm afraid to get close to anyone like that right now) I don't know if I'll just be able to have a conversation with him... How do you just be friends after what we've been through? I think, "Alright, it's just roleplaying. Nothing more." But... That was a majority of our relationship. It seemed that when we weren't actually roleplaying he would be talking about it... How do I allow our characters to be in love without completely falling over and curling up from the pain and memories it brings back? I shake my head at these thoughts and it's how I know I'm really not ready yet. As much as I want to (both out of jealousy and just genuine want), I can't. Not yet. Maybe next week, I tell myself. Maybe next month. Maybe after I'm done with this year. Maybe when things have finally settled for me...

"'cause I don't love you any less, but I can't love you anymore..."

This is still such an open wound. And being here, home, all alone has only kept it open. I've got no one here to really talk to... Yeah, I know I could talk to my Mom, but I really don't want to cry in front of her and it's still so painful that I can't help it. I also don't want her to worry about me. None of my friends are home, really, so I've got to wait until I go back to school... One of my best friends there, Kelsey, always seems willing to listen and she's a great person - I love her dearly. What I really want is a hug. I want a meaningful hug, just someone to hang onto. I want to cry and not feel guilty about it. I want someone to understand me. But no one does. I'm not even sure I understand myself.

I'm looking for comfort in the wrong places. I won't say where, but it's not the right place. But I don't know where else to turn... It's what I'm used to, it's familiar. Not comforting, but familiar. In addition to that I've been trying to distract myself with projects, work, movies, TV... All that stuff. I've learned to crochet and I hope to start a blanket soon. Back to other things...

I think too much. I get started on one small things sometimes and all of a sudden it turns into what I'm doing and what's going to happen to me for the rest of my life. I wonder sometimes if I had gone with my gut feeling the second time around... I knew something was wrong. I knew it was too good to be true. I wonder if I had left him and gone with Matt what I'd be like right now. But I can't, there's no point in wondering. What's done is done - Matt is gone and I have to deal with the choices I've made. In the end I can't regret what I've done. It's okay... I'll be okay.

"Everything is okay in the end... If it's not okay, it's not the end."

... Sounds like I've still got a journey ahead of me, then.

0 in love...