Shannon @ 8:04:00 PM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Since when did I elect to conciously break my own heart?
Over,
And over,
And over,
And over again?

Oh, right. The moment I agreed to be friends. The moment I told myself that I'd be able to handle it. Yeah, Shannon. You're handling it fucking beautifully.

The tears look good on you. No, really. They do.

1 in love...

Shannon @ 10:11:00 AM

Ick.

I can't stop thinking about him with her.
I can't stop thinking about how jealous I am.
Not just of her.
But of him too.
I can bet he hasn't spent one night crying over us.
I also know he's moved on.
He's got her, after all.
What kills me is that it took him two weeks.
Two.
Weeks.
What is that?
And here I am.
Sitting here.
Alone.
Liking someone I can't have.
And still having feelings for a guy who moved on more than a month ago.
I want it to stop.
But I don't know how to make it.
Actually, I do.
But I don't want to do that.
My option is basically to stop being friends with him.
Ignore him.
Get him out of my life.
Forget him.
Because no matter what I think.
When he's not around.
I think about him being with her.
Snuggling.
Kissing.
Doing all the things I could only ever dream of.
And I get jealous.
And annoyed.
Because I feel like we never really got a chance.
But if I'm honest with myself.
I know that it wouldn't have worked.
... Right?
And if I'm even more honest with myself.
I know that I need to stop being his friend.
I know that it is torturing me.
Because I don't know how to be this person.
I don't know how to not think about her.
When I'm talking to him.
I'm just so angry still.
So frustrated with him.
And it comes up every time he leaves.
Because I blame it on him.
And myself too, I guess.
But I never got to talk to him about this stuff.
And bringing it up now just seems stupid.
I don't want to be the bitch to ruin his relationship with her.
But at the same time...
I do.
And I'm overreacting.
Being stupid.
Holding onto this.
Is just dumb.
I need to let it go.
And find something else.
Too bad, no matter where I look, I can't seem to find someone.
I wish I was okay being alone.
But not anymore.
I've been ruined.
Tainted by this feeling.
I find it hard to breathe when I think about it.

0 in love...