Shannon @ 10:52:00 AM

Monday, April 28, 2008

this is almost disgusting

First: Post number 175!

Second: I am almost disgustingly happy right now. I say disgustingly because I'm not sure I've been this truly happy in a while and I know it's bound to come crashing down at some point in the future. But, for now, I'm happy. Very, very happy.

Maybe more on that later. Maybe not. I think that I should probably just let it settle for a while, let it figure itself out before I go getting *too* excited. Things have a tendency to work better that way...

Third: I think I'm getting my nose pierced on Saturday or Sunday. I've been thinking about it for a while and now seems a good a time as any, so. xD Sweet! Also, I think I'm getting acrylic nails when I go home... I am have a frustrating time with my own and they just seem like a better option. And they're pretty. The end.

Fourth: Last two weeks of class before finals! Thank the Gods.

Fifth: I have to walk over to the other side of campus (and when I say other side, I really mean it - as in where I am now and where I have to go are complete poles of the campus) tonight at 9:30 and back here around 11:00 because of a "Meet & Greet" staff thing for Oneida hall next semester. Oh joy.

Sixth: I'm still happy. =)

1 in love...

Shannon @ 5:53:00 PM

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

This is hard

I don't know.

BLAH.

I just... Blah.

I hate my body, I hate this feeling, I hatehatehatehatehatehate... I don't know.

I feel really gross right now, like I ate too much. I hate my eating habits lately. It's like all I'm doing is undoing what good I did in the beginning of the year. I'm just stressed out and too lazy to give enough to make the effort. I want to do this, I want to be smaller, I want to lose weight, and at the same time... Why? What the fuck does it matter? I don't want to have to eat salad every day all day for the rest of my life. I don't want to be afraid of my own binges because I have a hard time controling myself.

Maybe it's just all the changes that have been happening lately and the fact that it's so close to the end of the year and that's why I'm starting to stress out. I still eat relatively well as compared to how I used to, and I certainly can't eat as much, but I still... I still feel like I'm failing somehow. I wish I didn't have this sort of relationship to food. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater.

I eat when I'm bored, when I'm stressed, even if I'm not really hungry... I screw up and eat one thing throughout the day wrong and just give up for that day and finish off the day feeling icky 'cause I ate more "bad" things. Maybe that's part of the issues. I'm labeling things as "bad" or "can't eat that" and therefore they become all I can think about. I need to reassess my diet here, I think. But it's hard. I can do it, I've done it before... But it's hard. It's also difficult because I'm not working out anymore, really. I mean I walk everywhere I can, but I stopped going to the gym. I'm embarrassed to use my videos because I don't want my roommate to walk in on me doing that... Silly, I know, but it's true.

Some days I'm better at this than others. This is not one of those days.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 1:24:00 PM

Thursday, April 17, 2008

never sure what I want

It's true. I'm hardly ever sure what I want, what I want to do...

Diego is online right now. I know he's online talking to her, RPing and whatever with her. I know he is... And I don't know if it's jealously or me actually wanting to talk to him again that makes me want to IM him. I haven't spoken to him in five weeks... 35 days without him. I know I can survive without him and in the back of my head I keep telling myself that if I don't give up on him he won't ever change. If I don't ignore him I'm going to get held back, I'll be stuck...

But part of me wants to prove that he doesn't have that hold on me anymore. That he can't keep me chained up, that I can resist this time. I'm so scared that I won't be able to, though... That I'll get caught up in old feelings, in tired pasts. I feel like being sick right now. I tell myself that everything he said was fake... That everything he ever told me was tainted with lies, even if he doesn't see it that way. Maybe I'm being selfish, but part of me wants to know if he still loves me. If I really had such an impact on someone that they can not talk to me for so long and still love me. I'm so scared of being alone sometimes that I think about going back to him... And what scares me about talking to him now is that he'll take that to his advantage, play with it, hold onto it and cradle me until I give in again.

I want so badly to be held. What little experience I have with it has left me tired and weak even as my imagination runs wild with possibilities. I want to give up sometimes - I want to just not doing anything, just stop caring. I'm sick of fighting myself, of holding onto this sick and twisted past. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go somewhere where none of this can follow me around. I wanna be able to smile and mean it all the time, I want to be able to look at another person one day and say "I love you" and mean it with all of my heart, without regrets, without thinking about what could have been with someone else.

I miss simple things that most couples take for granted but that I had to savor... I miss the anticipation of seeing him, I miss the feeling of someone touching me the way he could. I'll feel the sun on my face some days and if I close my eyes I pretend it's him, laying his cheek softly against mine, holding me in his arms until everything is "okie". Thing is... I never really knew that. But my imagination holds onto what could have been... What could have been with either of them and it's killing me. I just want someone to hold me, God damnit. I want a hug, I want to feel loved again... I don't want my heart to forget what that feels like, for my emotions to get so cold that I can't share them freely. I don't want to not trust people, even myself, for holding my heart.

I spend my days keeping myself busy to ignore what feelings I think I have towards them, holding back tears and anger so I can maybe lead a normal life. And it's true, sometimes I can go days without thinking about them. I sometimes spend my nights wishing I had someone beside me.

Someone. Not necessarily Diego, not necessarily Matt, anymore. Someone. And maybe that's what scares me the most about attempting to talk to Diego. That I'm still somewhat vulnerable and if I try to talk to him I'd fall back into his arms somehow. And as much as I miss being in love, it's not healthy. I can't go back to him.

He's gone now, though. Offline. My WoW subscription ran out and since it's almost finals and I don't have enough money/interest to pay for another month, I'm letting it go unused for now (one less way for me to contemplate talking to him). He only gets online one every so often, maybe once a week.

I'm afraid of the summer. I'm afraid I'm going to get so lonely that I'll go back to him... Maybe by then I'll feel better, I'll know how to deal with it better... It's only 4 weeks away.

I haven't cried about this in a while. Maybe it was time...

1 in love...

Shannon @ 10:56:00 AM

Monday, April 14, 2008

I thought I knew you, old friend...

I don't actually know what's up with the title of this post. Maybe it's because I've been feeling particularly self-reflective in the last few days, I don't know.

I could be doing something so much more productive (AKA: school-related work) right now than blogging, but... Who does that anyway? Losarz!

So... For the second time in my life this weekend I drank. Not to excess and I certainly wasn't drunk, but I was tipsy. It's fun, you know... A nice atmosphere at the club we go to. Completely legal too - and I'm with a bunch of friends from college so I feel safe and it's always great fun. I had only a half a shot more alcohol than last time - I tried tequila. It was interesting. Burns a bit going down, but. Whatevs. Good to try. Decided that I like Sex on the Beach, Screwdrivers, and Amaretto Sours.

But anyways, this weekend consisted of six girls (me, Kelsey, Liza, Ashley, Sarah and Shatawndra) and three of the boys (Cliff, Aaron and Jimmy P) from our wing. It was a good time for the most part, except the feeling nauseous in the car on the way there and back. Long car rides with little leg room are never fun, though.

In other news, things have been going pretty well. I saw my adviser last Thursday and he told me what classes I should try to get into. It's going to be a bitch trying to make it into classes, though, considering that I'm competing with people that get to register before me for classes I need to be taking. I register on the 22nd of April at 1:00PM, so. I have to makesure that I have all the numbers and I have to make up another (alternate) mock schedule if I don't get into one (or more) of the classes I'm supposed to take. The only one, right now, that it might be hard for me to get into is a history class I want to take (it's also a Gen Ed) but that's not all that important... I mean, it is, but I can take another Gen Ed there or just give myself a break (I'm going to have a very full schedule). As of right now here's my 'ideal' schedule:

MONDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05 (4 Credits)
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15 (4 Credits)
Chem 331 LAB (Orgo 1 Lab) 1:50-4:50 (0 Credits)

TUESDAY
Bio 315 (Genetics) 11:10-12:30 (3 Credits)
CPS 301 (RA/RM course, half semester) 2:20-3:40 (1 Credit)
Zoology 330 LAB (Invertebrate Zoo Lab) 6:00-9:00 (0 Credits)

WEDNESDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15
Bio 315 LAB (Genetics Lab) 1:50-4:50 (1 Credit)

THURSDAY
Bio 315 (Genetics) 11:10-12:30
CPS 301 (RA/RM course, half semester) 2:20-3:40
English 390 (Native Americans in Film) 5:30-8:10 (3 Credits)

FRIDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15

As you can see, my only reprieve is that I don't have class until 11:10 on T/Th and class ends at 11:15 for me on Friday... CPS is only a half semester too, so that'll be done with and I'll have extra time. It's going to suck to have three labs, though... And to be in class until 9ish (I'll probably get out early most days) on Tuesdays, but. I gotta do it. If I can't get into that History 314 class (Ancient Greece) I might just not take something... I'll be taking 19 credits if I do get into something and being that class gives me 15 minutes to make it from one side of campus to the other. While not impossible it's difficult, especially when it's cold. Not to mention 19 credits is a lot, so I dunno what I'm going to do. We'll see, I guess.

I have class again soon. Today's a busy day... Not looking forward to the end of it, either. After work I've got to get to the library (or try to do research from here on the databases) about Indian Women in the Revolutionary War. Yay.

Time to go be relatively productive.

1 in love...

Shannon @ 10:24:00 AM

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Just keep chuggin'

So as I said before, things in my life are rollin' along despite my tendency to look in the past. I've gotten better with that, though. I still find myself thinking of Matt on ocassion... Like yesterday I wondered what it'd be like to be in his arms and last night I wondered what it'd feel like to sleep next to him. I really do miss him and I'm ashamed that I missed my chance, but... I guess it was supposed to be this way. Day by day, I s'pose, I miss them (both of them) less, but I'll never forget them.

"They say it takes a minute to meet a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire life time to forget them."

I still haven't talked to either of them yet... Still haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, either. I'm just kind of letting time take it's course and going with it... Trying to, anyways.

Next year I will be a RA on the other side of campus... This is the job I wanted all year, just not the location. But... Who knows. Maybe it'll be a good thing. Maybe it'll be fun. My friend Cliff got placed over there too, so I'll know someone and we'll be able to work together. Yay! The whole idea of going over there and being a RA is kind of intimidating... Maybe it's because I have to move out and I feel like I'll be away from a lot of my friends, I don't know... Maybe it's that I'll have to try to be authoritative with people older than me. I'm just hoping it won't be that hard...

I haven't talked to Diego yet... I dunno that I will. I just... I don't miss him that much and I'm still kind of... Upset with him. Matt hasn't talked to me either which indicates to me that he won't... Ever. That's alright, I guess... I can't do anything about it and I'm not going to push it. He deserves his peace as much as I deserve mine (do you know how weird it is to be on both sides of this coin? AWKWARD!).

In happier news... Liza and I got a pet on Sunday. It's a little dwarf hamster... Her name is Fiona because my friend Shatawndra kept yelling at her to turn into a cat. (Get it? Fiona from Shrek turns into an ogre... My excuse for my hamster not turning into a cat is that she's already had her true love's first kiss and so she'll stay a hamster. :P) Everyone wants a cat on the floor (well, maybe not everyone, but a lot of people) but obviously we can't have one. I'll be taking Fiona home with me over the summer and back to school in the fall so I don't get lonely in my single room.

Oh, right... Did I mention that I get a single room paid for by the school? Sweet, right? In addition I don't have to pay for my phone or my internet and they also pay for half of my board (meal plan). This cuts my school bills in half, at least. I'll still have to take out loans, but I have grants and a scholarship, so. It's still great.

Classes and things are going pretty well... I'm a bit behind on math homework but that's easy, chem is getting tougher but I think if I study well enough tonight I should be fine for my test tomorrow. Everything else is relatively easy as well, I just know it's going to get more tough as all these projects I'm being handed are due and finals start getting closer and closer.

It's so weird to think that we have only a few more weeks (5?) before the end of the year and it's time to move out. It's kind of intimidating and scary... Once we leave Johnson things will never be the same. I mean, I'm sure I'll still have contact and still hang out with people but it just won't be the same. I'm somewhat looking forward to the new experience (especially having my own room... I like my roommate and all, but her boyfriend is getting on my nerves a bit...) and meeting new people... I just hope that everyone that I'm friend's with now still hangs out. I kinda don't want to go home... I don't necessarily want to stay here for the summer, but I don't necessarily want to go home.

As I've said in previous posts, home isn't so much a comfort anymore as it is a short of prison. Not because of my parents - though I'm sure they are bound to get on my nerves now that I have a taste of 'freedom' - but because of Matt and Diego. Hopefully by the time I go home I don't think about them as much and I'll be able to handle being home better.

In any case, I've got class soon. Oh joy...

0 in love...