Shannon @ 5:53:00 PM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
This is hard
I don't know.
BLAH.
I just... Blah.
I hate my body, I hate this feeling, I hatehatehatehatehatehate... I don't know.
I feel really gross right now, like I ate too much. I hate my eating habits lately. It's like all I'm doing is undoing what good I did in the beginning of the year. I'm just stressed out and too lazy to give enough to make the effort. I want to do this, I want to be smaller, I want to lose weight, and at the same time... Why? What the fuck does it matter? I don't want to have to eat salad every day all day for the rest of my life. I don't want to be afraid of my own binges because I have a hard time controling myself.
Maybe it's just all the changes that have been happening lately and the fact that it's so close to the end of the year and that's why I'm starting to stress out. I still eat relatively well as compared to how I used to, and I certainly can't eat as much, but I still... I still feel like I'm failing somehow. I wish I didn't have this sort of relationship to food. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater.
I eat when I'm bored, when I'm stressed, even if I'm not really hungry... I screw up and eat one thing throughout the day wrong and just give up for that day and finish off the day feeling icky 'cause I ate more "bad" things. Maybe that's part of the issues. I'm labeling things as "bad" or "can't eat that" and therefore they become all I can think about. I need to reassess my diet here, I think. But it's hard. I can do it, I've done it before... But it's hard. It's also difficult because I'm not working out anymore, really. I mean I walk everywhere I can, but I stopped going to the gym. I'm embarrassed to use my videos because I don't want my roommate to walk in on me doing that... Silly, I know, but it's true.
Some days I'm better at this than others. This is not one of those days.