Shannon @ 3:20:00 AM
Sunday, February 28, 2010
On the inside I really hate this. On the inside I want to refuse and go kicking and screaming. Part of me wants to yell - I think it might be appropriate.
But I know where he stands and I know what I should/have to/need to do. I've just gotta be there. Just have to be the 'friend' for now. And I guess that's okay, most of the time.
Except when I get the sinking feeling I'll always want more out of it than he does or is willing to give. It's really hard knowing his eyes are not necessarily just for me, especially when I feel like mine aren't wandering all that much.
But maybe that is just my psyche getting the better of me. That happens a lot, so I wouldn't be surprised.
I just wish he was here...
0 in love...
Shannon @ 2:46:00 AM
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Not-girlfriend-girlfriend state
That's what I'm calling this. It's how I feel, basically down to the letter. I know I'm not his girlfriend. I know that we are not together. But, on many occasions, it feels like it. Sometimes we treat it like we are (like we always have?), though neither of us really mention anything about it.
And I guess I'm okay with it. I kinda want to be that cool guys-girl, that cool-to-hang-around-female-friend. Do I want to know he's mine? Yeah, sure, but that is honestly not feasible right now. And I have to admit that to myself, accept it, and move on. I can miss him - that's not going to go away - but I have to be realistic. If I get ahold of myself, it is so much easier to be his friend. To be that girl.
I feel comfortable talking to him... About just about anything, really. In truth, he's probably my best friend. Maybe I'm not in love and I just enjoy his company. Maybe that's okay too. But I can't really ignore the tug at my heart I feel, either.
Having spoken to him more, I understand better what he wants and what this all means to him. Yes, there are still minor gray areas, but what can I expect?
All in all, I have to sort of shove aside the self-pity and depression over him not being physically around and just sort of enjoy what I *do* have. Enjoy the friendship - the jokes, the phone conversations, the laughs, the arguments, the texts, the conversations into deep scientific topics - without the drama I create for myself. I think I'll be happier this way.
I'm still planning to go in July. I'd go earlier if I really had the time/money. But I think we're both pretty pumped for the summer... And maybe more anticipation, and subsequent relief is exactly what we need. In the end, I think things will work out.
0 in love...
Shannon @ 10:34:00 PM
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sigh.
I know it won't 'fix' anything. I know it won't because I'd still have to say goodbye. I'd still have to leave.
But I want to go so bad.
I want to just say 'fuck it' and hop on a plane next weekend.
I want to be with him again because it was safe and reassuring.
This whole up and down thing is just not cutting it. I can't handle it.
The mixed signals and crazyness I feel in my heart is utterly exhausting and I don't know if I can do it anymore.
And yet I know I will. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and admit I miss him but will continue to talk to him just like I always do. I just want it to be July right now. I want to know I'm going to be spending time with him soon.
I don't even want the label anymore necessarily, I just want to be with him. I want a hug. I want to feel comfortable. I just wish I knew for sure that was what he wanted too. That he was, even sort of subconciously, counting down the days... But I can't convince myself he is. I feel like he's going about his life as normal and I'm sorta stuck, watching the days drag by and just waiting for July...
... But, then again, I guess it's always sort of been that way for me in these situations.
0 in love...