Shannon @ 2:36:00 PM
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Today seems more sad than the last two days. I was doing alright, to be honest. I was doing fine. But this morning I woke up from a great dream and... Well, it was a dream. I leaned back and he wasn't there. I leaned back, turned my head to smile and give him a kiss and... He was gone. He's been gone, for almost a week now. There was no tighter embrace because I'd woken him from moving. There wasn't a exhaling of breath as I leaned closer. There was no smile with closed eyes, no 'good morning'.
No more kisses, no more tickle fights, no more hugs. At least not for a while. And I keep telling myself that soon enough I'll be able to go see him. That soon enough it will be summer time and everything will work out, just how I'd like it to. But it's hard to be that positive when I sit in my bed alone, watching a movie, wishing I could just be near him.
I have no regrets about it. Every moment of last weekend was fantastic. Even the tears were worth it. And I can understand our position-- it sucks. I can understand why a label would not change what we are or where we're going, really. And it's not the label that I want - what I want is him. Here. Now. With me.
I hate to think about him with someone else. Holding someone the way he did me. Kissing them, making them feel special and loved and warm like he did with me. I have no idea if he's looking. I can't be sure. It's the unknown that is killing me. But again: What else is there? No one can know what will happen in the next five or so months. No one can know where I will be, he will be.
And I thought I'd accepted that. But in the end, I have to get over this. And I will, slowly, eventually. I just miss him and wish that I could drop $400 on a plane ticket; but I barely have $200 to my name right now. July, I tell myself. This summer, soon enough...
0 in love...