Shannon @ 7:51:00 AM
Monday, April 13, 2009
love
Sometimes I wish I believed in something, anything (a cause, a religion, a feeling...) enough to bring me to tears.
I think that thing for me used to be love... But I'm not sure what happened there anymore.
I want to believe. I want to understand and create and KNOW that there is love out there, that someone out there finds me deserving, finds me... Perfect, in my own imperfect sorta way.
But I'm not sure I can anymore.
The situation has made us both bitter, angry, pessimistic people now... Are you happy?
0 in love...
Shannon @ 1:33:00 PM
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Hmmm
I have determined this, if nothing else:
I am well overdue for a nice boy in my life.
1 in love...
Shannon @ 1:29:00 AM
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Unsure
I'm not sure why I pretend like it will get better. Why I tell myself that he'll change, or has changed, or whatever. I dunno why I even entertained the notion that he'd come here. I don't know why I pretend he wants to work things out and do anything aside from royally fuck with my head.
I'm done. I won't chase anymore. It's not my turn, God damnit, and it hasn't been for a LONG God damned time.
It's not my fucking turn.
0 in love...
Shannon @ 1:36:00 PM
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Today is just one of those days
... And some days it just hurts to breathe.
I just hurts to think, to speak, to laugh, to talk to any of them. Because they're so far away and, no matter how much they care, I can't feel it. I could have been on the phone with him last night for hours and listened to him sleep, listen to him breathe. But I would never be able to feel him next to me.
I can't tell him how much I miss him, how much I care. I can't bring him down anymore because he leave in less than two weeks. For four months. For four months he'll be gone and who knows what the fuck will happen in four months, to either of us. What feelings will change, who we'll meet.
I can't bring myself to tell him that I don't really think of him 'that way' anymore. He's one of my greatest friends, he knows a good portion of my feelings and secrets (albeit not all of them), but I don't think I'm attracted to him that way anymore. I still flirt because it's just how I am, just how our relationship has always been. I'm supposed to try to visit him this summer, time permitting and... I dunno how that's going to go down. I really don't have the time to think about that right now.
Then again, I feel like I hardly have time for anything these days.
0 in love...