Shannon @ 2:50:00 PM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Really?
I'm a fuckin' awesome liar. For as much as I tell myself I don't chase him, don't care as much whether we talk or we don't, I still do it. His name is the first one I look for when I get online, my heart skips a beat every time he IMs me. When I hear those songs - there are quite a few - I still think about him. Every time I have a voice mail or missed call, I hope it's him. When I see a new text message I'm hoping he's just dropped one to say hello. New IM? I wonder if he's making the effort.
I keep telling myself I'm tired of caring. And, in a way, I am. But I can't stop myself. "I don't know what we are to each other but we can't seem to get away from one another either" - he hit the nail right on the head. In some way, he's my safety net. He makes me feel good, if only briefly, because he knows me. Inside and out sometimes, I think. Or maybe he doesn't - I don't know. Part of me is sure our relationship is toxic and ridiculous and I need to stop it. But part of me can't. Part of me doesn't *want* to because if feels good, God damnit. At least for that moment. For those few times where all he does is joke around with me, flirt, make silly comments. Where I sing him to sleep and listen to him breathe but can't feel him here next to me. Where I can imagine his hands on my skin, his voice in my ear. There's something good about it. Something right. I don't know what the fuck we are or what the fuck is going on. I don't know how to figure it out - and there is only one way that I can think of to
I want him to come here next weekend. I want him to see me - I feel like this would push us one way or the other in figuring out what the fuck is wrong with us, if anything is there between us, what the fuck is going on...
I think I'm insane. He hasn't so much as called me since we started talking about three weeks ago and I want him to come see me? Do I call him? Do I got against what I've been telling myself because I shouldn't be scared at this point? Do I make the effort when he's only just begun? Do I beg? Do I throw myself out there and ask? Is it worth it? Is it worth the possible discord it might cause, the money it would cost if he said yes, the torture and torment I'm likely to feel after he's gone? I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired of thinking about this. But even still my brain won't knock it the fuck off. I just continue to process, to ask, to feel like crying because I can't figure this out.
Part of me is convinced the best course of action is to just stop talking to him. To just let it go and move on. But... I can't. I don't know how to do that. I did that with Diego but that was so much easier... He hurt me, no the other way around. This time I think a lot of is that I feel that I owe Matt a lot. I owe him my time and my attention if he wants it. He's not making me miserable so much as I'm making myself miserable, I think. I care too much for my own good sometimes.
Thing is, when I'm busy, I'm fine. It's when I'm left to my own devices, my own thoughts, that I start freaking out about all this. I don't need him to survive, I know that. But I want him. What's so bad about that?
Then there's the Logan issue. And the Ramon issue. And the Diego issue that doesn't exist but that I'd like to actually blame for a lot of my own personal fucked up issues - that relationship screwed me three ways from Sunday because of how hard it was on me. But can I blame it all on that? No, that would be irresponsible and I'm all about the responsibility...
My friend Tanya pointed out to me that I probably hold myself back here at school, in 'real life', because I'm waiting for someone that may not care as much as I do. Whether it's Matt, Logan, Ramon or maybe even Diego, I hold myself back. But, honestly... I don't know if that's true. I have never sparked someone's interest in that way in real life before. I strongly believe that. At least not that I know of - no one has ever had a crush on me, not that I've known of anyways. So what am I holding myself back from? The last guy that I tried to get here in real life seemingly had no interest in me whatsoever... And I don't hang out with a whole lot of guys anyways, so...? There are plenty of cute boys around campus - a good portion of which seem to be taken, big surprise - but I don't talk to them. It's not that I don't talk to them because of Matt or Logan or whoever. I don't talk to them because I never have been the one to easily initiate that sort of conversation. I'm friendly, but I'm not... Pushy. Not to mention my intense self-consciousness issues.
I have too much work to be doing to be thinking about this right now.
Too bad my brain doesn't seem to be giving a shit about that.
0 in love...
Shannon @ 3:08:00 AM
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Ugggggh
General feeling for the last week (especially the last few days).
Suckage. Suck. Age. Ugh. UghughUGH.
Logan broke up with me on Wednesday and hasn't spoken to me since... I really got no answers or anything. Not that this should surprise me. You think I'd be used to of feeling this way after not getting answers from Diego forever... I still don't really have them. Whatever. In the end this was probably better... But it still sucks. Nighttime is the worst... When I'm alone in the quiet with my own thoughts, picking apart every little thing like I always do. I can't stop myself as much as I want to. The worst part is, I think, that he doesn't even seem broken up about it... Like he just went on with life and didn't have to stop even for a moment. It was like he had finally told me it was over after he'd already decided it a week ago when he started pulling away from me.
Whatever. I'm as over it as I'm going to get for the next few days. As long as I'm distracted I'm fine. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.
I'm home for Spring Break now... And I'm not exactly happy. I don't really want to be here. It's partially that here has a lot of memories for both Logan and Matt (whom is my safety net/comfort zone) and it's hard to not contact Matt when I feel like this. I wanted to call him so badly the other night... But I stopped myself. It's not good for either of us. But if he ever called me... I don't think I'd be able to stop myself. It just wouldn't happen.
I also wanted to go to Tulsa to see Ramon, but that didn't occur. Too expensive for this week on such short notice (340 ish dollars for bus tickets) and he doesn't really have the money to help out right now. We WILL see each other before this year ends, I hope... We hope maybe during the summer.
If I have time.
I applied for an internship at the Utica Zoo for the summer... Would begin June 1st and be done around August 3rd. Nine weeks, unpaid but free living (pay for food), at the Utica Zoo... The program sounds amazing. I really can't wait to find out if I got it or not... Gotta get a phone interview at some point when they review my resume. ::crosses her fingers::
Even still, I'm hoping this trip will happen. Maybe a week after I get out of school I'll go there for a little while, come home, leave for the zoo.
Diego also contacted me out of nowhere about two weeks ago... Talked to him once on the phone and he asked if we could start talking again and I said I'd think about it. After a week I got up the courage to tell him I didn't think it was a good idea and while he'd always be in my thoughts, I couldn't do that. A lot of it was because I didn't want my thoughts about him to screw up what Logan and I had. Too bad that happened anyway and it wasn't even his fault. Or mine. I've really got NO idea what the fuck happened there. Whatever. It's better this way, my logic tells me... Too bad my heart severely disagrees at this point.
So much shit is happening. I'm trying to juggle getting into this program, getting this internship, my classes, my RA job, tutoring job, friends, boys, my stupid feelings, other things people want from me...
I sometimes wonder if I've even got anything left to give anymore.
2 in love...