Shannon @ 3:08:00 AM

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Ugggggh

General feeling for the last week (especially the last few days).
Suckage. Suck. Age. Ugh. UghughUGH.

Logan broke up with me on Wednesday and hasn't spoken to me since... I really got no answers or anything. Not that this should surprise me. You think I'd be used to of feeling this way after not getting answers from Diego forever... I still don't really have them. Whatever. In the end this was probably better... But it still sucks. Nighttime is the worst... When I'm alone in the quiet with my own thoughts, picking apart every little thing like I always do. I can't stop myself as much as I want to. The worst part is, I think, that he doesn't even seem broken up about it... Like he just went on with life and didn't have to stop even for a moment. It was like he had finally told me it was over after he'd already decided it a week ago when he started pulling away from me.

Whatever. I'm as over it as I'm going to get for the next few days. As long as I'm distracted I'm fine. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

I'm home for Spring Break now... And I'm not exactly happy. I don't really want to be here. It's partially that here has a lot of memories for both Logan and Matt (whom is my safety net/comfort zone) and it's hard to not contact Matt when I feel like this. I wanted to call him so badly the other night... But I stopped myself. It's not good for either of us. But if he ever called me... I don't think I'd be able to stop myself. It just wouldn't happen.

I also wanted to go to Tulsa to see Ramon, but that didn't occur. Too expensive for this week on such short notice (340 ish dollars for bus tickets) and he doesn't really have the money to help out right now. We WILL see each other before this year ends, I hope... We hope maybe during the summer.

If I have time.

I applied for an internship at the Utica Zoo for the summer... Would begin June 1st and be done around August 3rd. Nine weeks, unpaid but free living (pay for food), at the Utica Zoo... The program sounds amazing. I really can't wait to find out if I got it or not... Gotta get a phone interview at some point when they review my resume. ::crosses her fingers::

Even still, I'm hoping this trip will happen. Maybe a week after I get out of school I'll go there for a little while, come home, leave for the zoo.

Diego also contacted me out of nowhere about two weeks ago... Talked to him once on the phone and he asked if we could start talking again and I said I'd think about it. After a week I got up the courage to tell him I didn't think it was a good idea and while he'd always be in my thoughts, I couldn't do that. A lot of it was because I didn't want my thoughts about him to screw up what Logan and I had. Too bad that happened anyway and it wasn't even his fault. Or mine. I've really got NO idea what the fuck happened there. Whatever. It's better this way, my logic tells me... Too bad my heart severely disagrees at this point.

So much shit is happening. I'm trying to juggle getting into this program, getting this internship, my classes, my RA job, tutoring job, friends, boys, my stupid feelings, other things people want from me...

I sometimes wonder if I've even got anything left to give anymore.
Comments:
Man I always feel like too much shit is happening. Just for me, it's mostly inside my own head, in my own bad habits, or in my stupid schoolwork and extracurrics. My social scene itself is relatively quiet and comfy.

It may be the fate of all thinking, feeling college students. Maybe. Iono.

ps. I am still pathetically addicted to Gaia, partially due to my pixel dragon problem. I partially blame you. :P <3
# posted by Blogger ees : 1:35:00 AM
 
Also: WTF srsly, boy drama. Glad you can get your mind off it most of the time, though.

The Utica thing sounds sweet. I hope it's going well.
# posted by Blogger ees : 1:36:00 AM
 
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