Shannon @ 12:23:00 AM

Thursday, May 29, 2008

feelin' alright

Aside from my sometimes over-active imagination and terribly over-analytical perspective on some things, I think I'm doing alright now-a-days.

I'm looking for a job at the moment... I've filled out maybe 12 applications so far and I'm going to go fill out some more for places in Colonie Center mall tomorrow... The Shoe Depot, Express, New York & Co, etc. Basically anywhere. I just really want a job; it's hard going from having a busy schedule to having absolutely nothing to do - it was nice for a few days, for sure, but now it's just getting tedious. In addition I miss making my own money. I definitely have money saved up from my two jobs on campus, but I don't like spending money if I'm not making some at the same time. Not to mention I have a few things in the near future that I'm going to need a substantial amount of money for (train tickets to the city at some point in June, going to Canada with the Oswego crew in July, and books for next semester).

I'm again unhappy with the way I've been keeping up with my diet... It's really hard being home and trying to stay on track, actually. My Dad has a tendency to cook quick (allbeit good) things that don't have much nutritional value. While I try to watch my portions, it's hard because there isn't much to snack on - so I get hungry and end up eating something I shouldn't because it's there. It's just difficult; at school I had a whole salad bar and fruit bar to go after which was very nice as an option for lunch or dinner.

Happier news, though, me and a certain someone have been getting along swimmingly. This is also, however, where the whole overly-analytical portion comes in, though. If he doesn't respond to me, I get nervous that I've done something wrong, or I get angry at him - which, mind you, goes away the minute he calls me or whatever. It just sucks because I'm creating my own issues here - not once has he brought up our bad past, but I keep bringing it up for myself. It's like I'm walking on egg shells around him, but only because I'm doing it to myself which is frustrating. I care for him deeply and I really can't wait to go to the city in June (either the 13th or the 20th through to the following Sunday, most likely). I really have to talk to him about it; mostly because if I get a job I have to get the time off, he has to make sure he can actually be there to see me, and I have to arrange with my roommate to make sure that her parents are cool with me staying with them for at least a night that weekend. Because, after all, I want to do this in a safe way - I'm very excited to meet him, but also kind of nervous and scared. While I do plan to spend at least one night with him, I want to have another place to go as well. All I can do is hope it will all work out, though... It will cost me between 70 and 100 dollars to take a train to Penn station, not including the cab or what have you to my roommate's house and then whatever transportation and food and whatever around and in the city. All that aside, though, I'm very excited to go meet him - and to see Liza!

I still haven't talked to Diego. I have, however, renewed my subscription to WoW just recently and will be playing again, at least for two months. It's hard going back to it (especially an established character) after being away for so long. That said, I don't know if me subscribing will change how I feel about contacting Diego. I really want to, mostly out of curiosity, but I'm very hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:59:00 AM

Sunday, May 18, 2008

cheese with that wine?

I've been thinking a lot lately about IMing my ex boyfriend. Not because I want to be with him, I'm just curious as to what he's up to and all that. Regardless of what's happened between us, I still care for him on some (somewhat ridiculous?) level. We've been through a lot together and as much as I'd like to say I hate him, I can't. I don't know whether I will or not - something doesn't feel right about it. Something about it is awkward and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to go through the whole awkward "Hi, how are you? Good? Good... That's great, yeah, I've been busy and all that..." Some part of me misses him, too. I miss his voice and just the way he treated me - I miss feeling loved by someone who wasn't just your friend, by someone who wasn't your family. Love is love in some senses, sure, but at the same time, being loved by a significant other is different... I dunno, maybe I'm being overly sentimental. Who knows. I haven't spoken to him in two months, I know I can survive, but curiosity has got me wrapped around it's cute little finger.


I'm talking to Matt again... Sorta. I mean he IMed me and we're on speaking terms, but things just aren't the same... Not that, I guess, I should have expected them to be. Things are good one day ( he makes me happy, makes me smile, actually wants to talk) and kinda bad the next day (he isn't necessarily mean but he doesn't go out of his way to say nice things). I guess I'm expecting too much from him - seeing as what's happened between us, it's only fair that all this happens on his terms, in his time. At the same time, though, he's sending mixed signals - one of the first things he said to me was kind of forward and now he's just pulling away from all of that. I've kind of resolved to let him come to me in his own way, but... I don't know. At this point I really want to say something to him, to have a serious conversation with him. I need to tell him that I can't do this by myself; that I understand I've hurt him and I've said "I'm sorry" in as many ways, as many times as I know how. And, as far as what's gone on between us, he needs to be able to let me in to enable us to fix it, to make it better if he really wants this to work.

I know he's hurt, I know I've done that... But I don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve to feel like this everyday; to be confused and feel as if something is wrong because he can't seem to make up his mind about how he feels about me and how he wants to treat me. There isn't anyone else I'm really interested in, but I don't want to wait for someone that isn't willing to go halfway with me. I'm sick of waiting on other people for things, to be honest; I did it a lot throughout my last relationship and I really don't want to do it with another one. I'm willing to give my all, to commit to this, but only if he is. I can't do this if he's not willing to help me out here.

I think part of my issue is I expect things to go quickly; I want instant gratification, even if I can't have it. I want quick response, quick recovery... I've been trying to let go, but he's not even responding to that, it seems. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Other than that, I'm home finally and with mixed feelings. I miss my college friends - I miss college in general. The freedom that there was, having someone around and something to do. I don't really miss the work, but. Still, it was nice - I'm certain life here will get better once I can get out of the house and hang out with some people. I'm also nervous for next year - I'll be a RA, which is a big responsibility, and while I'm excited, I'm also nervous about it.

At the end of the day... I sometimes feel like all I do is whine and pitty myself over things I shouldn't be. But who doesn't do that sometimes?

I think I need to have that talk with Matt... It's just driving me crazy not to. Whether or not I'm going to talk to Diego will have to be decided after.

There's time. That's all I have to tell myself... You've got some time.

0 in love...