Shannon @ 2:59:00 AM
Sunday, May 18, 2008
cheese with that wine?
I've been thinking a lot lately about IMing my ex boyfriend. Not because I want to be with him, I'm just curious as to what he's up to and all that. Regardless of what's happened between us, I still care for him on some (somewhat ridiculous?) level. We've been through a lot together and as much as I'd like to say I hate him, I can't. I don't know whether I will or not - something doesn't feel right about it. Something about it is awkward and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to go through the whole awkward "Hi, how are you? Good? Good... That's great, yeah, I've been busy and all that..." Some part of me misses him, too. I miss his voice and just the way he treated me - I miss feeling loved by someone who wasn't just your friend, by someone who wasn't your family. Love is love in some senses, sure, but at the same time, being loved by a significant other is different... I dunno, maybe I'm being overly sentimental. Who knows. I haven't spoken to him in two months, I know I can survive, but curiosity has got me wrapped around it's cute little finger.
I'm talking to Matt again... Sorta. I mean he IMed me and we're on speaking terms, but things just aren't the same... Not that, I guess, I should have expected them to be. Things are good one day ( he makes me happy, makes me smile, actually wants to talk) and kinda bad the next day (he isn't necessarily mean but he doesn't go out of his way to say nice things). I guess I'm expecting too much from him - seeing as what's happened between us, it's only fair that all this happens on his terms, in his time. At the same time, though, he's sending mixed signals - one of the first things he said to me was kind of forward and now he's just pulling away from all of that. I've kind of resolved to let him come to me in his own way, but... I don't know. At this point I really want to say something to him, to have a serious conversation with him. I need to tell him that I can't do this by myself; that I understand I've hurt him and I've said "I'm sorry" in as many ways, as many times as I know how. And, as far as what's gone on between us, he needs to be able to let me in to enable us to fix it, to make it better if he really wants this to work.
I know he's hurt, I know I've done that... But I don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve to feel like this everyday; to be confused and feel as if something is wrong because he can't seem to make up his mind about how he feels about me and how he wants to treat me. There isn't anyone else I'm really interested in, but I don't want to wait for someone that isn't willing to go halfway with me. I'm sick of waiting on other people for things, to be honest; I did it a lot throughout my last relationship and I really don't want to do it with another one. I'm willing to give my all, to commit to this, but only if he is. I can't do this if he's not willing to help me out here.
I think part of my issue is I expect things to go quickly; I want instant gratification, even if I can't have it. I want quick response, quick recovery... I've been trying to let go, but he's not even responding to that, it seems. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Other than that, I'm home finally and with mixed feelings. I miss my college friends - I miss college in general. The freedom that there was, having someone around and something to do. I don't really miss the work, but. Still, it was nice - I'm certain life here will get better once I can get out of the house and hang out with some people. I'm also nervous for next year - I'll be a RA, which is a big responsibility, and while I'm excited, I'm also nervous about it.
At the end of the day... I sometimes feel like all I do is whine and pitty myself over things I shouldn't be. But who doesn't do that sometimes?
I think I need to have that talk with Matt... It's just driving me crazy not to. Whether or not I'm going to talk to Diego will have to be decided after.
There's time. That's all I have to tell myself... You've got some time.