Shannon @ 4:39:00 AM

Monday, June 30, 2008

answers

After talking to Kiry (Jenn) about my situation, I know I need to leave him behind. I know I need to let him go and move on - there's other people out there better suited for me. I'm only eighteen and have a long time ahead of me before I need to find the person who I'll love for the rest of my life...

Even still, I can't help but wonder if he cares or has feelings for me anymore. Maybe that's just the question I need an answer to.

I guess we'll see.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 5:33:00 PM

Thursday, June 26, 2008

trying to understand

Sometimes I wonder if some sort of therapy, a psychiatrist or psychologist, wouldn't help me. Maybe they'd be able to help me understand and comes to terms with my issues and why I feel, so strongly and hugely without reason (I feel), I need to hold onto something and probably isn't even there anymore.

I want... To talk to him. About this. About what happened between us. I want to understand him maybe because I feel like, through that, I could somehow understand myself. I honestly wish I wasn't still so attached to him... He seems to have moved on (though I s'pose he could be putting on a face just like I am) and I wish I could do that too. I guess that's another dimension of the issue... I want him to feel the way I do. Or, even if not, I want to know how he feels. I'm sick of speculating on how he feels. I'm kind of getting mixed messages.

I really want to talk to him about it, even though I know I should at least wait if I bother to say anything at all. Then again, we spent a long time talking and he "has no obligations" to me anymore, what would keep him there listening? Part of me just doesn't feel like bothering him with it... Why dump my emotional burdens on him when he seems happy enough? Even if I alone couldn't make him happy, is it really my place to take away what happiness he has found, regardless of the circumstances?

I just... Want to find someone. I want someone who makes me a better person, a stronger person but at the same time, with a single stare, a kiss can make me weak at the knees. I want to love unconditionally, without reservations... Again.

I know that eventually, with or without him, I'll find someone who completes me. But it's hard to let go of someone who you are, and were for so long, convinced is pretty close to perfect for you.

I want to stop being tugged around; but I think it's mostly my issue. I'm letting it happen because I just want someone to care on a level other than friendship.

I still have strong feelings for Matt, too, which is another reason I'm not telling Diego anything. Matt right now, however, is being a bit... Childish in the way he wants to conduct the relationship. It's almost like he wants the power without the responsibility. When things go wrong suddenly it's my fault, no matter what I say. I love him to death, but I can't and refuse to be in a relationship like that.

Basically: I don't know. I don't know anything. And I hate it.

It scares me.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 1:58:00 AM

aching

That goodbye was neither sweet nor bitter. It was... Normal, I guess. For friends, anyways.

The "another day" and "soon" seemed... Almost comical. I know he's not trying to poke at my feelings - hell, he doesn't even know what I feel - but it almost feels that way. He acts like there was nothing between us ever, and maybe it's best this way - I'm sure it is, right? Especially because he has another girl now.

I wanted him to... I don't know. To be emotional. I wanted him to pour himself out to me like I feel like doing with him. Maybe, though, he's biting his tongue just like I am. Instead it's "I'll see you soon, night night." That's all I get. I wanted to hear, "I missed this. Talking to you, that is... Roleplaying with you. I missed it. I missed you..." But there wasn't even a trace.

I guess I'm just being unreasonable.

I keep telling myself I need to wait - not to tell him anything about how I'm feeling until later and things have settled. I need to really understand myself in this whole situation. I also really have to decide what I want. Maybe in the coming weeks - depending on how things go, how often we talk, what happens between us - my feelings will change completely.

If not, I feel like I need to tell him. I need him to know. If he tells me that it's a lost cause, that he's not feeling the same way, then I'll leave it alone and not pick it up - I'll cry for a few days, want to drown myself in ice cream and chocolate, but I'll come out of it refreshed, relieved in a way, I hope. In some ways I want closure - I either want him to tell me that there is no chance in hell that we're going anywhere and that he's happy with his new life or I want to try to work through things... But who even knows. I don't even know.

I think a lot of this has to do with how new it is - tonight was only my second time talking to him. [[ btw - I do find in RPing with him... It's like I can forget who we are and invest myself in the characters, but the minute he starts trying to converse with me I break down and am a mess even though the outward face I give him is all flowers and bunny rabbits]] I need to relax, let things settle for a while. It also, I'm sure, has to do with the current state of things between Matt and I - the whole "not talking" thing kind of puts a damper on that whole situation [ Then again I am oddly calm about that situation...]

But my heart is screaming, "TELL HIM! ASK HIM! FIND OUT HOW HE FEELS!"

Well you know what? I know I can't do that right now, it's not a good idea, so...

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Damnit.

[[Addendum: I know I need to move on. Some part of my 'rational conscious' (if there is such a thing) is telling me that I couldn't be with him even if he still had feelings for me. There's too much pain, guilt, fighting, tears, heartache there... Right? I'd like to think, in some sort idealic world, that these things would make our relationship, our connection stronger... But I'm not sure I believe that. I don't know what I want aside from the fact that I want someone to love me - me and only me. I want someone to go to, like I used to go to him, someone to confide in. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. He was many of my relationship "firsts", maybe that's why it's so hard to let go of... My first true love. It all drives me crazy; will I ever be able to let go of this, with or without him? Will I be able to love somebody else and not think about him? Sometimes I wonder, and it hurts. I wish I could just stop myself. I'm tired of fighting with my heart. Sometimes I wish he was just a complete bastard so I would have a reason to hate him. That would just make things so much easier, it seems... At least in my head.]]


"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with 'whatever happens, happens'."

0 in love...

Shannon @ 4:57:00 PM

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

got a plan

I've got a 'game plan' of sorts.

Now, if I could stick to it that would be both a miracle and awesome.

Just gotta keep reminding myself it's the best thing to do.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 10:01:00 PM

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

looking up

Good books? Check.
Erin time? Check.

Also: Having a better sense of what the FUCK is going on in my life? Check.

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."

S'amazing how just talking to someone seems to make things that much better. Nothing was legitimately resolved (how could it be?), but I have a better sense of what's going on and what I need to do. I've resolved to become friends with him, at the very least - whether or not I'm going to tell him that I may or may not have feelings for him is yet to be decided. I think what is going to happen is that I will tell him I want to roleplay, maybe come up with something completely different - something new and exciting - and just be friends. I need a roleplay, with him, sans the romance for right now. I need the creative outlet of roleplay without having to tug at my heart strings in knowing that our characters are in love, but we're not. Maybe later. Perhaps, even, all of this will make him truly realize what he's left behind. I don't even know if I want that to happen. I still really care for him, and while saying I still love him is a stretch, he means a lot. I've told him things I've never told anyone in my life. He knows things about me that I'm not sure anyone else does. Sometimes I think we were so emotionally attached that it was actually toxic to us - but I look back on all the time we spent together and it is often that I was smiling over crying. He's a good guy, he just did bad things. Everyone deserves forgiveness, pending a genuine change, and he should be no different. I do not blame him for my emotional distress right now - I'm doing this to myself, all this thinking and whatnot, and I'll take responsibility for that.

Speaking of taking responsibility for things, I know someone who isn't. This other boy and I are not playing nice anymore - we're not getting along. I feel as if though he is being childish, selfish, and uncooperative. He wants to be with me but not hear from me - he wants me to love him unconditionally but hasn't forgiven me for what happened. I made every effort to see him this past weekend. I've tried as hard as I can and I'm not going to chase after him anymore - I'm done.

As for what exactly I'm going to do about him... I don't know. I'm just not going to talk to him until he decides exactly what his deal is and contacts me, if he so chooses.

I'm amazingly calm about all of this. It's like I've finally realized that I need to just... Let things take their course. I can't chase him anymore and I won't...

"I'm not going to stress over you anymore - It isn't worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. I'm not saying I don't want you because I definitely do; I'm just done chasing after you..."

0 in love...

Shannon @ 5:56:00 PM

Sunday, June 22, 2008

books

I want to read a good book.

I think that I'll have to have my Mom take out shopping this week (my favorite store, Lane Bryant, is having a sale) and I'll have to find a good one. Or maybe I'll order some...

I'm thinking about reading "Twilight" - it's a sensation these days. Or so it seems.

Or maybe "He's Just Not That Into You", seems like a good one too.

This reminds me that I should email my professors and see if I can't find my textbooks online for cheap. Hmm.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 10:40:00 PM

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Oh life

I don't know how many times in the last few days I've said the phrase "oh life". It's just so fitting.

Matt and I got into a fight on Monday afternoon and haven't really spoken since. I tried to get him to talk to me last night, or at least tell me if we were still seeing each other on Saturday, but he didn't answer me. I had called him late last night [Friday] to tell him when my roommate and I would be where we had planned to meet up. We stood outside the movie theatre for a little while, waiting to see him, I looked for him on the street, on the subway... But he was nowhere to be found. I hoped he would maybe suprise me and show up... But I guess I gave him too much credit.

I'm so frustrated with him. He wants to sugar-coat everthing, pretend like he's forgotten what I did to him and what happened between us. He said he "let it all go" and got back with me like nothing and that I can't get upset with him. This I don't understand. Aside from me not believing that he actually forgave everything, for him to tell me that I can't get upset with him is just him being a brat. If he was really over everything that happened he wouldn't be using it as a weapon.

Another things is that I've changed, I guess. But so has he - and I'm not certain I'm as much in love with who he's become as who he used to be. I loved how he used to be - and he blames this change on me. Fine, whatever, maybe it was partly my fault; but if he's honest with himself he'll take partial responsibility for it too. He's become cold and distant, unresponsive and lethargic. He is still a great guy with a big heart - but I wonder if I'm any good for him. You shouldn't change who you are for anyone or as a result of anyone. I want him to go back to the way he was before - the person I remember from almost five years ago now - and I know it's still in him. On occasion I'll hear it or see it from him, but it's like the changing of the seasons. One day he's sweet and lovable and the next it seems like even talking to him is like pulling teeth.

As my friend Kelsey said, "You tried hard this time - he can't ever blame you again." And I think she's right. I tried everything I could to make him happy - I came to visit him, made plans to see him for Christ's sake. I am, right this second, all of fifteen or twenty minutes from him... And he purposefully missed his chance.

I told him that when he was ready to take the leap of faith he should contact me... He needs to realize that I'm there to catch him. But this time he's really dug himself into a hole. I refuse to go through this relationship and not say how I feel. Him and I have a long way to go... But who knows now. I'm apparently not worth his time, so he's not worth mine either.

Oh life.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 12:46:00 PM

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

one of them

I wish I was one of those people who could just say, and believe, "Things will work themselves out. Just step back and relax - go with the flow."

But I can't.

Annnnnnnd I hate it.

I just want to be happy, damnit. I just want to be happy.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:16:00 PM

Sunday, June 15, 2008

tears...

Second post of the day...

He's not being cold, I'm just... Over analyzing, trying to protect myself. I kind of wish he was being cold - I'd have a reason to feel this way.

It might not be too hard to be friends with him. We've decided to 'take it slow' (after a bit of a heart-to-heart) and see how things go. Neither one of us is going to push it; we're on speaking terms now anyways and that's a good start. Things won't ever be the way they were before, but that's probably good. Even though, somewhere inside of me, I kind of feel that's what I want. I spent a long, long time with Diego - I feel like he may know more about me than I know about myself. And that's hard to let go of. But, to be honest, I think maybe talking to him was the first step in trying. Piece by piece I'll let it go. Slowly, very slowly...

Ever think that you can be too attached to someone? I think that's what happened with Diego. I got so emotionally invested with him, so wrapped in my dreams that reality seemed... Unreal. I'm with a guy now who, while I know he loves me, doesn't show it as often, doesn't display it like Diego did. And, perhaps, this is good. I miss it, for sure - I miss the comfort, all of that - but it's good. It'll help me stand on my own two feet which I'm realizing with each coming day that I have to do more and more. Relying on others is nice, but relying on yourself is important too.

I'm trying to be strong here, but all I really want to do is cry. And this is the worst kind of sadness - Sadness that you're unsure about, that you can't explain. You can't tell anybody because all you feel is this relentless tug on your heart strings and you feel like no one would understand.

No one would understand because you don't either.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 12:23:00 PM

expectations...

I'm not sure what I expected.

I don't know what I wanted to happen.

But somehow I don't think it was this.

I can't believe how much this hurts; how badly it feels to know this stuff.

I can't believe this. I don't know what to do.

I feel sick to my stomach and somehow slightly relieved.

I think I wanted him to say he still cared about me. That somehow, through this, I mattered to him. Even though nothing would have come out of it, it would have been a comfort.

But he seems colder now. Or maybe it's just me trying to protect myself.

He's met someone else - and that hurts me to hear, to understand even though it's hypocritical since I have too. I want to ask him if he ever thought about me or anything, but I'm afraid - do I really want to know? Either way, what would that information do for me? He's moved on in many senses it seems and we won't EVER be back to the way things were - or even close. And maybe that's good.

Maybe it's for the better - it has to be.

I hope he finds happiness with this new girl and I hope she understands she's really found a good guy. Despite our past I still care for him as foolish as it may be.

All I can hope now is that next week goes really well. If it doesn't, I'm in for a heapload of emotional trouble.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 8:51:00 PM

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

something new...

I really, really, really want to write a story right now.

Really, really.

But I don't have any cohesive ideas...

I guess it's my craving to RP. I haven't RPed in months seeing as Diego was basically my only RP partner... I miss that.

Soon, perhaps.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 11:40:00 PM

Sunday, June 01, 2008

sometimes

Sometimes I think too much. Wonder too much. Play theoreticals in my head too much.

And sometimes I miss things I don't even want to think about.

I don't want to think about how good he was to me when he was good to me - I don't want to remember that we were happy once. I don't want to know that he might still love me, care for me, want to hold me. I don't want to think about what could have been, what would have been if I'd just not been so nosey. I don't want to think about how this all makes me feel, about this gut-wrenching feeling I have inside of me right now. I don't want to remember the cute way he used to smile at me, the way he looked when he said 'I love you'. I don't want to remember what the first kiss felt like, tasted like... Was like. I don't want to remember being in his arms, feeling his warmth, having him hold me. I don't want to remember being happy, being loved...

... But I do.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish so badly I could just forget everything about him - good, bad, ugly, friendly, happy, sad, EVERYTHING. At least then I wouldn't have anything to compare this to.

I wish I could convince myself I don't love him, that I just shouldn't care about him anymore.

I debated for at least three hours today on whether or not I was going to contact Diego via WoW. He was on and so was I and I was so tempted... But I just couldn't do it. I'm scared that it's too late, that it's just not worth it - I'm also afraid to know that maybe he's not thinking about me. I feel like maybe he's moved on, that he never thinks about me and I'm being silly to keep him in my thoughts, but... I kind of want to be friends with him. I kind of want to talk to him. I miss having him around, especially on WoW where we enjoyed each other's company, he helped me, and I had someone to share my accomplishments with. I dinged 70 the other day, but didn't have anyone to tell, really - It was kind of sad. (Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser blahblahblah, whatever.)

Despite what he did, he's really not a bad guy... I mean, considering what I did, I'm not a bad person either. That being said, it's still hard to get over what he did.

I'm just tired of fighting with my mind over this - I wish I'd either just do it or just let it go and not contemplate it for five hours at a time.

Maybe I'll contact him on his birthday...

Matt... Is a great guy. I love him - I truly believe that - but this is hard. I'm tired of missing him so much. "It'll get better when you get to see him, this is only temporary..." I say to myself. But that's what I said when I was with Diego... For three years. And it didn't get any better; in fact, it got worse - obviously.

I'm scared.

But this feels so right and I can't bare to let it go - I've lost it too many times to voluntarily lose it again. Things will get better. They will - they have to.

0 in love...