Shannon @ 11:40:00 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2008
sometimes
Sometimes I think too much. Wonder too much. Play theoreticals in my head too much.
And sometimes I miss things I don't even want to think about.
I don't want to think about how good he was to me when he was good to me - I don't want to remember that we were happy once. I don't want to know that he might still love me, care for me, want to hold me. I don't want to think about what could have been, what would have been if I'd just not been so nosey. I don't want to think about how this all makes me feel, about this gut-wrenching feeling I have inside of me right now. I don't want to remember the cute way he used to smile at me, the way he looked when he said 'I love you'. I don't want to remember what the first kiss felt like, tasted like... Was like. I don't want to remember being in his arms, feeling his warmth, having him hold me. I don't want to remember being happy, being loved...
... But I do.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish so badly I could just forget everything about him - good, bad, ugly, friendly, happy, sad, EVERYTHING. At least then I wouldn't have anything to compare this to.
I wish I could convince myself I don't love him, that I just shouldn't care about him anymore.
I debated for at least three hours today on whether or not I was going to contact Diego via WoW. He was on and so was I and I was so tempted... But I just couldn't do it. I'm scared that it's too late, that it's just not worth it - I'm also afraid to know that maybe he's not thinking about me. I feel like maybe he's moved on, that he never thinks about me and I'm being silly to keep him in my thoughts, but... I kind of want to be friends with him. I kind of want to talk to him. I miss having him around, especially on WoW where we enjoyed each other's company, he helped me, and I had someone to share my accomplishments with. I dinged 70 the other day, but didn't have anyone to tell, really - It was kind of sad. (Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser blahblahblah, whatever.)
Despite what he did, he's really not a bad guy... I mean, considering what I did, I'm not a bad person either. That being said, it's still hard to get over what he did.
I'm just tired of fighting with my mind over this - I wish I'd either just do it or just let it go and not contemplate it for five hours at a time.
Maybe I'll contact him on his birthday...
Matt... Is a great guy. I love him - I truly believe that - but this is hard. I'm tired of missing him so much. "It'll get better when you get to see him, this is only temporary..." I say to myself. But that's what I said when I was with Diego... For three years. And it didn't get any better; in fact, it got worse - obviously.
I'm scared.
But this feels so right and I can't bare to let it go - I've lost it too many times to voluntarily lose it again. Things will get better. They will - they have to.