Shannon @ 10:23:00 PM
Friday, March 15, 2013
I need a break. From everything. I want to run away for a week and take time for... I don't know. Something.
I am incredibly frustrated with myself for being so angry, still, about this situation. I feel sick at the thought of wanting him still, but I know I do. But I want to stop wanting him, because it's killing me. Mostly it's killing me to watch him want to be with someone else, even under the guise of "it's going to fail". WHEN? HOW? WHERE? WHY?!
I don't see an end to it. And he's right, I'm not there all the time. Not even half the time - not even, really, ever. But the idea is that this casual dating bullshit is going to be drawn out farther than I want it to be. It's already been a fucking month. How much longer? Oh, you don't know? That's because you're not looking for it to end - you don't "see" and end in it any more than I do. You're just convinced it will, because they all have. The only one that has stuck around has been me. Stupidly, perhaps, thought I still believe in you. Somehow. Someway I am still convinced you could do go things - that we could do good things together, for each other.
But no. No, you just want to be affectionate with me when it seems to serve you, when you want to be, and then you want to run away to her every now and then to be comforted differently. You want me to cook and clean for you, comfort you, rub your back, and have sex with you - but you want to be able to run to her and HER friends when it pleases you. Until, apparently, it's over. Whenever the fuck that might be.
I don't see what you fucking need from her that I don't, haven't, or won't give you - I don't fucking get it. And I never will. But apparently there is /something/, though fuck me if you can spit it out and tell me. "I don't know" is getting really fucking old. REALLY old. I am willing to give you so much - not because I want to impress you, not because I have to - but because I want to. Because I love you, still, somehow, someway. Because I can still look at you smiling at me and want to shiver - I can still get tense at your touch because it means something.
And maybe you do care. You probably do somewhere inside, in some way. But not enough to stop yourself. No matter how I react - I could be as cool as a cucumber, or more angry than I am now, and you'd still fucking go right ahead and do what you were going to do. My reaction means /nothing/ to your course of action. So I might as well feel how I'm feeling and not fucking spare you any of it - because I shouldn't have to suffer this alone. You've built this glass house for yourself. You've ASKED for this situation. I'm done sparing your feelings because I'm afraid of making you angry at me for being frustrated with the situation - I am not in the business to make you comfortable in your decision, because I sure as hell am not.
YOU have chosen this.
YOU have followed through.
And YOU will suffer through the consequences, whatever they may be.
Whether that is me happy and healthy and talkative and funny and warm... Or me bitching and angry and complaining and cold. You will deal with that as it comes, as I feel it, as I need to express myself. Because like I've already said - I am not here to make you comfortable with your decision.
0 in love...