Shannon @ 6:44:00 PM
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another Rant...
After a long talk with Tara, I have a slightly clearer view of what I want.
When I look into my future in four months, I see him. I see Tulsa. I see me getting into a car, packed full of my things, and taking a road trip to Tulsa... To my new home.
I have decided that the saddest part of our situation is that I love him so much and that every moment with him seems so right. I love being around him for the most part (like anyone, we have our fight), I love having him hold me and kiss me. I want to be his. But also knowing that it ends and that (maybe) nothing will come of it all.
But I have agreed to/endured/tolerated this best-friend-girlfriend situation because, as Tara said, I've had time to. Since we seriously started talking, I knew that where I belonged was in Oswego and that I wasn't going to leave there for him. So every talk of being together or whatever was years away. Now that future we talked about is mere months away and I don't have time to waste anymore. I don't have weeks to think about what I *think* he wants.
I need to grow a pair and just ask him straight out. "What do you want?" or "Is me moving to Tulsa what you want?" or "Would me moving to Tulsa be enough to get you to want to try us being together? Is that what it would take?"
I know what I want. I want to try being with him in a way we haven't had the opportunity to be yet. I want to try being his everyday, not just when it's convenient. And that opportunity is coming soon. However, I don't want to move down there under the idea of 'maybe' he'd try to see if we'd work out. I want to know that's what he wants. I want him to tell me that he would give it a try. But if that's not what he wants... I need to know that, too.
Essentially, the ball is in his court. "I don't know" won't cut it. He has to decide and tell me. He HAS to let me know. I need a game plan. I need a solid answer. I need help here. I've been as selfless as I can be for the last few years... And now that I know what I want and I'm not (less) afraid to say it, it's my turn to make the rules. I hate demanding things of people. It's going to be awkward. More than that, it is going to be beyond difficult to say "I don't know won't work any more. You need to decide what it is YOU want and what YOU need and if you would be willing to make this work. If not, I need to know that, too. So call me when you figure it out and let me know."
I'm afraid he won't chase after me. I'm afraid I'm not worth it to him. "If he doesn't, he's not worth it. He should know what he's losing and know better than to not."
Yeah, yeah. Easy to say, hard to believe. He's been in my life for seven years and I'm not sure I can imagine what it would be like without him.
0 in love...