Shannon @ 9:04:00 AM

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It is so difficult waking up every morning and thinking about him, not knowing what today's attitude would bring from him. It's hard waking up and knowing I won't feel him next to me, still, for more than three months.

I want to hear from my internship. This waiting BS is slowly killing me.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 5:44:00 PM

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sigh

As much as it hurts, I think I need to tell myself it's not really going to work for now. I need to tell myself that things are going to be like this. I need to live my life for myself, not waiting on him.

I need to pull myself away. I need to detach myself somewhat. Holding onto the wish and hope against hope that he'll come around is just not good for me. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into taking care of him, of pretending to not be upset, that there is nothing left for anything else.

So I start slowly. "I've got homework." "I've got a test tomorrow, I have to go to sleep." "I'm going out withe my friends." And maybe I look a little harder around here. Maybe I find something else to occupy my mind. I'll still hang out with him, spend time with him of course, but I can't be surrendering my life to him so soon. It's just that he's everywhere. He's got my phone number - he texts, he calls, he IMs - he has my facebook, my WoW, my screennames. There are movies, shows and songs that just remind me of him. Places on campus, smells and voices that just make me smile for a second, remembering, and then sigh in frustration because he's not here.

I need to stand up for myself, like Rachel said. I need to live my own life like I want to, to hold onto my own dreams and what I want and not build my life around something and someone so relatively unstable. I need to ignore my jealousy, ignore when he talks about other girls. Not get upset when he leaves, not feel bad about spending my time doing something else with someone else.

This is awful. It's incredibly hard. All I want to say is "I know we could make it, baby, if you would just try it out." And I think we could. I think it would work. I think we'd be happy. But what would it solve? He's still not here, I'm not there. No matter what it involves waiting.

I just have to decide if I want it to be miserable or bearable - happy, even. While the choice is easy, executing it isn't.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:11:00 AM

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I want to go to sleep and wake up and find him here.

It's ridiculous, I know, to entertain the idea. It's bad for my psyche. It's terrible for my emotional stability...

But I can't help it. I want him here, with me, arms around me, sleeping by my side-- snoring and all. I want the warmth, the smiles, the kisses. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I want to sit and watch a movie with him - I want to have a tickle fight that I lose, maybe on purpose, just to play around.

I wish this wasn't so hard. I wish it didn't still hurt so bad. And I won't show this to him. I won't tell him how I feel because he already knows, because he'll tell me I'm silly because it can't be changed right now. And it is silly to dwell on something you can't change like this.

Sometimes this is okay. Sometimes I just go about my business, acting like we used to. And I still do all the time to his face. But behind the computer, where he can't see me, I pout and sigh, tear up a little on occasion, and get sad when it's time to leave. I have to bite my tongue against saying 'I love you' like we used to do all the time, because we're walking that thin, friendship-relationship line right now. But I want to say it so bad - I miss it. But I know better than to do it. For his sake and mine.

Four months is too damned long...

0 in love...