Shannon @ 5:44:00 PM
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sigh
As much as it hurts, I think I need to tell myself it's not really going to work for now. I need to tell myself that things are going to be like this. I need to live my life for myself, not waiting on him.
I need to pull myself away. I need to detach myself somewhat. Holding onto the wish and hope against hope that he'll come around is just not good for me. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into taking care of him, of pretending to not be upset, that there is nothing left for anything else.
So I start slowly. "I've got homework." "I've got a test tomorrow, I have to go to sleep." "I'm going out withe my friends." And maybe I look a little harder around here. Maybe I find something else to occupy my mind. I'll still hang out with him, spend time with him of course, but I can't be surrendering my life to him so soon. It's just that he's everywhere. He's got my phone number - he texts, he calls, he IMs - he has my facebook, my WoW, my screennames. There are movies, shows and songs that just remind me of him. Places on campus, smells and voices that just make me smile for a second, remembering, and then sigh in frustration because he's not here.
I need to stand up for myself, like Rachel said. I need to live my own life like I want to, to hold onto my own dreams and what I want and not build my life around something and someone so relatively unstable. I need to ignore my jealousy, ignore when he talks about other girls. Not get upset when he leaves, not feel bad about spending my time doing something else with someone else.
This is awful. It's incredibly hard. All I want to say is "I know we could make it, baby, if you would just try it out." And I think we could. I think it would work. I think we'd be happy. But what would it solve? He's still not here, I'm not there. No matter what it involves waiting.
I just have to decide if I want it to be miserable or bearable - happy, even. While the choice is easy, executing it isn't.