Sometimes I wonder if what I want is what is best for me. If what I'm doing is really the best choice. I wonder if pursuing this is okay, if it's a mistake, if it's too much work for what seems like such a little reward at this point...

Just conversing with him seems so awkward now...

It's like I don't know what to say to him if I'm not in love.

I'm confused, and I hate it.

Knowing he's talking to her at the same time doesn't make it much better, either...

Part of me wishes he'd just dropped off the face of the Earth, part of me wants things to go back to how they were, before I knew.

And part of me wants something completely new, and completely different. I wish I could find someone to take interest in here... But it's just... Not going to happen.

I don't think I want him back, but I want that feeling...
I miss the loving embrace of another's arms, the warmth felt inside when all they had to say to you was three simple, little words... And suddenly you felt safe and happy, and life was good again. Nothing can compare to that, and I miss it...

Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong that I wanted (and still want) his heart to be all mine... I wonder if that's too selfish.

I thought I was okay with him talking to her... I thought I could handle it; but knowing that he is talking to her, sharing what I thought was so sacred to us, and possibly still has feelings for her, makes me want to gag and be sick and cry. All I wanted was for him to be mine... All mine. And I thought he was... But it turns out that he never was. I never had him completely, and that makes me wonder if I ever could. If I hadn't found out, would he had ended up with me? Would I be blissfully unaware of the things going on behind the scenes?

Either way, sometimes I wonder if I was just being selfish, or if I should have ever found out...

I want to talk to him, but I don't want to fall back into him. I don't want to be responsible for possibly hurting myself again by loving him... Taking him back. He makes me so angry because he's so complacent, but I can't be mad at him at the same time... I almost want things to go back to the way they were before. But was I really that happy?

I keep telling myself that a second time would be different - and he would have a lot of proving to do, trust to earn. He would have to make the effort to come see me more often, and I don't know how long that would take, if it would ever happen... I'd say we could wait until I have to go to FL, but she lives in FL and how do... How am I supposed to know if anything goes on?

I'm basically really confused, even though I thought I knew what I wanted...

I feel like I want to be sick.
I feel like I want to cry and throw up and be happy and laugh and talk all at the same time. And it's killing me.

I want to talk to him. I want to talk to both of them. I want to explain to one of them how I feel, how I hurt, how much this sucks and how bad I want things to go back to they way they are. I want to continue to tell him that I'm confused, and while those sweet things he is telling me are nice, they are nearly meaningless to me now - how do I know he's not saying those things to her too? How do I know that "I'm the sunshine parting the clouds", that "I'm not just the other woman"?

And to the other... I want to apologize more. I want to let my heart bleed to him, if only he would let me... And I would let myself. I want him to understand that I thought the other was the one, that everything was alright when I made that decision... That pushing him away was something I thought I had to do; I didn't want my heart in two places at once, not knowing that the other already had that covered. I want another chance.

But I don't. I know I need time to live on my own, to stand on my own to feet... But it's not what I'm used to. I love being attached. And I'm afraid if I believe them, I'm going to fall back into someone's arms, and I'll never support myself... Especially his. How am I to know if he's telling the truth? How am I supposed to be friends with someone who lied to me so much? We need to talk this out. We need to talk. I need to talk... I need to tell him how I feel.

Tomorrow, I tell myself... Tomorrow, later...

Eventually.

Something I've realized in the last few days: It's nice, now, to be able to look AND touch; not just look. And for that matter, it's nice to be looked at.

Very nice indeed.