Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong that I wanted (and still want) his heart to be all mine... I wonder if that's too selfish.

I thought I was okay with him talking to her... I thought I could handle it; but knowing that he is talking to her, sharing what I thought was so sacred to us, and possibly still has feelings for her, makes me want to gag and be sick and cry. All I wanted was for him to be mine... All mine. And I thought he was... But it turns out that he never was. I never had him completely, and that makes me wonder if I ever could. If I hadn't found out, would he had ended up with me? Would I be blissfully unaware of the things going on behind the scenes?

Either way, sometimes I wonder if I was just being selfish, or if I should have ever found out...

I want to talk to him, but I don't want to fall back into him. I don't want to be responsible for possibly hurting myself again by loving him... Taking him back. He makes me so angry because he's so complacent, but I can't be mad at him at the same time... I almost want things to go back to the way they were before. But was I really that happy?

I keep telling myself that a second time would be different - and he would have a lot of proving to do, trust to earn. He would have to make the effort to come see me more often, and I don't know how long that would take, if it would ever happen... I'd say we could wait until I have to go to FL, but she lives in FL and how do... How am I supposed to know if anything goes on?

I'm basically really confused, even though I thought I knew what I wanted...