Shannon @ 8:22:00 PM

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I kissed a girl and I liked it...

Song of the weekend. Seriously.

Not all that great, I guess, but it's terribly catchy. And I heard it at least 15 times this weekend. Craziness.

So.

I went to Canada. And got drunk. Wheeeee. And I met some pretty awesome people (Kelsey's friends)... Including this kid named Adam who was probably the best. xD He was so much fun. We danced a bunch (he really danced with everyone, it was freaking awesome) and even if he was dancing with all the girls, it really did make me feel good... Not to mention the exercise was amazing. <3

Generally we had a great time, I think.

I did however just about have a panic attack when we had to go into the Albany train station, though. That's the third time I've had to go in there since Diego came to visit and each time I've had a panic attack, especially walking in the front doors. It's where I first met him and it's quite literally paralyzing. I didn't think I'd be able to go inside the first time I had to. I hate being there. It's terrible.

Ugh.

Otherwise, great weekend. <3 Yay.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 9:40:00 PM

Thursday, July 17, 2008

my life

All in all today was... Not terribly special. We went out for sushi, which was nice, and I got a few presents from my parents (including an awesome PotC lamp) but... It was uneventful otherwise.

I was talking to Ramon today about Diego and, eerily, my music playlist brought up "I Can't Let Go" by Landon Pigg. Terribly, unbelievably fitting for the conversation. I'm impressed when that happens.

Anyways.

He made an interesting point during our conversation, though. It's not that I can't let go, it's that I won't. And, I realized, he's right. I can let go. I just won't... I'm holding on to something that isn't really there anymore. I don't really know why. All I know is that I don't really know how to let go.

It's like I'm afraid to let go. It's like if I let go I'm losing some part of me that is important... But how? I'm trying to be rational and reasonable about all of this but I just can't seem to manage.

Only problem I had with him is that he seemed insistent that I needed to be over it. Now. Which, I don't agree with. I'll get over it in my own time... So what if I take months? It's my life.

I think the hardest part about this is learning to run my own life. For nearly four years my life was run on someone else's schedule - I skipped things and let things pass me by that I may not normally because I wanted to spend more time with him. Now, without him, I'm free to come and go as I please I don't have to wait around for a phone call, an IM, an email. I'm not used to that, and it's scary - I spent a lot of time with him. Maybe I shouldn't have but I was only 14. What did I know? All I knew is that this guy was like Prince Charming. If only I could have seen. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

It should be a liberating feeling, I guess. But... It's not, really. I feel kind of empty. When you center your life around someone and they pull the rug out from under you... What are you supposed to do? I don't want him to hold me back anymore - he let me go, he's released me and somehow I feel like I'm trying, in vain, to swim back to him. And I dont know why.

I'm trying not to get upset and just... Let things go. We aren't getting back together. We can't. There's just... There's no way. I couldn't trust him and, just... I dunno. I think we've both changed and grew apart. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes and tell the world to slow the fuck down so I can get off. I don't want to be on this ride anymore; it stopped being fun a long time ago.

Sometimes I think I saw the signs of this a long time ago... But I ignored them because I trusted him. I loved him.

He's made it hard for me to be able to think about letting anyone into my heart like I did with him... He's made it difficult for me to even contemplate loving someone as much as I loved him. And, if for nothing else, I hate him for that. I have always been a trusting, caring, loving person - there are very few people in life that I've met that I truly can't stand. I hope that, one day, I'll be able to love somebody like I loved him - with every fiber of my being. I want that back so badly; I want to be someone's everything.

He promised me the world and, here I am, with nothing. I've lost him, I lost Matt.

It's hard to think that everything we had was fake. That everything was a lie... That I lived that way for three and a half years. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, though... Maybe it wasn't all fake and maybe that should somehow comfort me... But I don't know that it does. I don't know how to comfort myself anymore, really.

I dunno. I'd like to think of this as a new beginning - going back to college without somebody to be attached to will, hopefully, open my eyes to other people around me. It's all I can hope for, I s'pose.

I cannot wait to get back to school, to be surrounded by people and things to do. I'm very excited about that.

This sadness and loss will pass; it always does. And, when that day comes, I'll welcome it with open arms.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 12:15:00 AM

birfdai

So, it's my birthday. Has been for about 17 minutes how.

Don't feel much different.

I actually feel incredibly vacant, lonely, and empty.

I think I'm just going to go to sleep. God knows I could use some rest.

I wonder if I get the one thing I'm hoping for...

0 in love...

Shannon @ 11:25:00 PM

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

same as always...

Part of what is killing me here is I don't know if anything is true... Did he ever really have feelings for me, did he ever really love me or was it just a ploy, just a game to him? Did he just use me so I'd continue to RP with him, so he'd have someone, always there, unwavering, no matter what he did?

And if he did, why is it so suddenly lost? Why is it gone so fast? How did he let go? WHY, for God's sake, is he not fighting for me?

I guess you can love someone to the ends of the Earth but you can't make them love you back no matter what you do.

And that's only one of them... I have my own set of problems (though the questions are eerily similar) with the other one... Oh boy.

I just want to curl up and cry for the next three days.

But I won't, I can't. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. I don't want to (but why, then, do I keep making myself miserable?).

I can't wait for this weekend. I can't wait to get away and be around people. ICAN'TWAIT.

I also can't wait to get back to school... To be distracted, to have other things, other people on my mind.

I can't wait until the day when I think about him and don't feel incapacitated with sadness and frustration. I can't until the day I can go without crying about this.

I can't wait.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 9:53:00 PM

Vices

I wish I had different vices. It might, in fact, make my life easier. Might make this less painful.

I *hate* hearing about him and his girlfriend. I *hate* thinking about him and his girlfriend. I absolutely cannot handle it. And I don't know why - I shouldn't and don't want to care, but it hurts.

She's coming to visit him in September, I guess. Five months of being together and they're already going to see one another... It took him three years to come visit me.

This fact has invaded my conscious and now, with every lull in conversation or activity I find myself thinking about it. And, each time, it makes me want to cry like a baby.

Why, God, why am I not good enough? For anybody?

I know, I know, "You are good enough, he's a pain blahblahblah", but it doesn't feel like it.

And I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of this dull, throbbing pain in my heart.

I wish it'd just fuck off. Four months have passed (It really feels like so much more...) and it still feels like this.

Just once, I want to be someone's everything. I want to look in their eyes and know that they don't love anyone else, that they only care about me and they would hate to be anywhere but right there with me in their arms.

I thought, for a long time, that I had that. I guess I was wrong.

And it really sucks to have something like that ripped right out from under you...

0 in love...

Shannon @ 3:51:00 AM

why do I do this?

Ya know, I wonder why I seem to insist on facilitating my own misery and unhappiness. I just made myself cry for over a half hour for... No reason, really. I mean, I had a reason, but it was my fault for dredging up things that would have been better left covered. I always do that. I'm doing fine for days and then alllllll of a sudden I have to just go do something to fuck it up.

I really just want to be someone's everything... I want to look in someone's eyes and know that I'm the only one that they love, care about, want to hold.

It kills me that I've never had that, even if I thought I did.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:03:00 AM

Sunday, July 13, 2008

poor fools

Clicking "Next Blog" on the task bar up top there is kind of interesting...

It's kind of like a glimpse into someone's life (sometimes 'private, sometimes not) that maybe you don't usually see or aren't "meant" to see.

I wonder, sometimes, if some poor fool hasn't stumbled over my blog, read an entry and been like, "What the fuck is wrong with this chick?"

0 in love...

Shannon @ 8:22:00 PM

Monday, July 07, 2008

good days

The last two days for me have been amazingly... Calm.

I'm finally letting go of him without saying goodbye.

The only thing that irks me is Matt. I miss him - I really do. But I'm not going to chase him anymore... No matter how much I'd like to.

:/

0 in love...