Shannon @ 9:40:00 PM
Thursday, July 17, 2008
my life
All in all today was... Not terribly special. We went out for sushi, which was nice, and I got a few presents from my parents (including an awesome PotC lamp) but... It was uneventful otherwise.
I was talking to Ramon today about Diego and, eerily, my music playlist brought up "I Can't Let Go" by Landon Pigg. Terribly, unbelievably fitting for the conversation. I'm impressed when that happens.
Anyways.
He made an interesting point during our conversation, though. It's not that I can't let go, it's that I won't. And, I realized, he's right. I can let go. I just won't... I'm holding on to something that isn't really there anymore. I don't really know why. All I know is that I don't really know how to let go.
It's like I'm afraid to let go. It's like if I let go I'm losing some part of me that is important... But how? I'm trying to be rational and reasonable about all of this but I just can't seem to manage.
Only problem I had with him is that he seemed insistent that I needed to be over it. Now. Which, I don't agree with. I'll get over it in my own time... So what if I take months? It's my life.
I think the hardest part about this is learning to run my own life. For nearly four years my life was run on someone else's schedule - I skipped things and let things pass me by that I may not normally because I wanted to spend more time with him. Now, without him, I'm free to come and go as I please I don't have to wait around for a phone call, an IM, an email. I'm not used to that, and it's scary - I spent a
lot of time with him. Maybe I shouldn't have but I was only 14. What did I know? All I knew is that this guy was like Prince Charming. If only I could have seen. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
It should be a liberating feeling, I guess. But... It's not, really. I feel kind of empty. When you center your life around someone and they pull the rug out from under you... What are you supposed to do? I don't want him to hold me back anymore - he let me go, he's released me and somehow I feel like I'm trying, in vain, to swim back to him. And I dont know why.
I'm trying not to get upset and just... Let things go. We
aren't getting back together. We can't. There's just... There's no way. I couldn't trust him and, just... I dunno. I think we've both changed and grew apart. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes and tell the world to slow the fuck down so I can get off. I don't want to be on this ride anymore; it stopped being fun a long time ago.
Sometimes I think I saw the signs of this a long time ago... But I ignored them because I trusted him. I loved him.
He's made it hard for me to be able to think about letting anyone into my heart like I did with him... He's made it difficult for me to even contemplate loving someone as much as I loved him. And, if for nothing else, I hate him for that. I have always been a trusting, caring, loving person - there are very few people in life that I've met that I truly can't stand. I hope that, one day, I'll be able to love somebody like I loved him - with every fiber of my being. I want that back so badly; I want to be someone's everything.
He promised me the world and, here I am, with nothing. I've lost him, I lost Matt.
It's hard to think that everything we had was fake. That everything was a lie... That I lived that way for three and a half years. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, though... Maybe it wasn't all fake and maybe that should somehow comfort me... But I don't know that it does. I don't know how to comfort myself anymore, really.
I dunno. I'd like to think of this as a new beginning - going back to college without somebody to be attached to will, hopefully, open my eyes to other people around me. It's all I can hope for, I s'pose.
I cannot wait to get back to school, to be surrounded by people and things to do. I'm very excited about that.
This sadness and loss will pass; it always does. And, when that day comes, I'll welcome it with open arms.