Shannon @ 9:19:00 PM

Saturday, December 20, 2008

things I gots ta do!

Things to be accomplished while at home over break:

- Sell the rest of my textbooks [has to wait until I get to school]
- Email professors for next semester asking what textbooks will be used for their class
- Order/buy/rent textbooks for next semester [has to wait until I get to school]
- Clean my room here at home, maybe getting rid of things I know I don't need/want/use
- Finish my latch-hook which has been in a work in progress for... Two or three years
- Pirates marathon!
- LotR marathon!
- Saw marathon!
- Get plenty of sleep and not feel guilty about it
- Play WoW
- Center myself and decide what/who is and is not worth my time... And convince myself of it
- Figure out the general logistics of what I'm doing this summer as far as the Sanctuary or getting a job and/or being a summer RA [kinda has to wait until I get to school - need to talk to Rachel about this!]
- Read a book or two... Or five
- Accept that he is probably not coming back and that's alright
- Spend some lovely time with friends
- Enjoy Christmas and the Holidays with my family
- Love my cats a whole bunch :DDD
- Make a list of questions for the financial aid department/school/my adviser about Santa Fe
- Do some CSS code/profile/graphics/make a new blog layout

0 in love...

Shannon @ 1:54:00 PM

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

and so it goes

Good news: My schedule for next semester is all set and is, in fact, very awesome. I'll be done with class by 11:15 on MWF and I don't start class until 11:10 on TTh... My labs are TTh at 2:20 and I got into both my vertebrate zoology and my online chem class... I'm taking 17 credits again, which is always fun.

I think I might get my job back at the dining hall... I really, really need money. It'd driving me crazy not to have something coming in. I mean, I have the tutoring I'm doing, but I get three hours a week right now (it's possible I'll have more next semester - I started kind of late this semester) and that's not a lot of money. I wish I could get a job somewhere else, 'cause I really don't want to work at the dining hall, but we'll see about it.

I need to apply to Santa Fe/the zoo tech program in Florida soon as well as look into internships/at least volunteer opportunities for this summer (I'm looking at a sanctuary called JNK, which I think would be awesome; I'd live with my friend Rachel who'd be doing it with me, at her house... Much cheaper!)... If not that, I definitely need a job this summer. So, so much to do...

Living here has made me more aware of how unaware most people are. They aren't aware of how their actions affect others (or maybe they are and they just prefer to be assholes about it and don't really care - I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, I guess). I don't belong here. I don't like it here. It seems that everyone here smokes and drinks all the time, or if not all the time, a hell of a lot more than I do. And that wouldn't normally bother me, I guess, aside from the fact that, as a RA, I now have to watch out for and deal with it... Especially when they're dumb about it. My staff is great, though I don't feel a great connection to them as I think most staffs may feel. My residents... Are wonderful when they so choose to be, although some of them are genuinely awesome people. I have to initiate conversation with most of them, they won't come to me, and it's tiring. I realize it's my job to be friendly, outgoing and interested, but when you don't get anything back from your efforts, you have less motivation to do it the next time.

My residents will stand outside of my room and collect for dinner (note that this isn't all of them, though a good portion of them - and if they don't collect, they at least walk by to go downstairs), but won't ask me to go. And it's not like they would think that I've already gone because I will have been sitting in my room since 1 or 2 in the afternoon and not left for more than two minutes to go to the bathroom, my door open the entire time. I think it's rude and unkind that they would not at least ask - even if they had the thought that I might have already gone. I would never think to do that to someone unless I really didn't know them. Most of the time I'm lucky to get a 'hello' or even a smile from half of them.

I guess I'm just tired of this place, this semester, my life. I'm lonely here. And not just because I don't have a boyfriend - it's more than that. My closest friend on campus is Cliff, who is on staff, but it's not like I'm as good of friends with him as I am with, say, Kelsey or Tanya who live on the other side of campus. I can't just go over there all the time either because not only do they and I have things to do, but I need to be in my building sometimes too... Not that it matters most of the time, seeing as when I *am* here, I just sit here with my door open while my residents seem to hardly take notice of me, whether I say 'hello' or not.

I'm tired... Too tired for all of this. I need a break...
[/rant]

1 in love...

Shannon @ 2:57:00 PM

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Simply said

I miss him.
I want to write, to create again.
I wish I knew how he really felt.
This loneliness is overpowering sometimes. I'm surrounded by people almost all the time but still I can't seem to be happy.

He's moved on, it seems, quicker than I expected, and without coming back. Not that I really miss him, but if he can be happy (if he is? Who even knows) why can't I?

He's confused and has no idea what he wants. He's been dragging me through the mud for too long now and although I finally told him it was far less liberating than I wanted it to be. It's been a week now. Most of all, I fear he might actually not come back this time.

I haven't spoken to him since July. I wonder if he'll say anything to me when I get on WoW in a few weeks. I wonder how he's doing and, yes, I miss him a little too. It scares me.

Being alone scares me. It's hard to stand up on your own. You think you get used to it after a while but really, I'm not sure it gets much easier. Maybe to a point, maybe for periods of time, but not completely.

I just don't know why I'm the friend and nothing more. Why am I just the one to come to to talk and not anything more than that? I guess I can't blame them.

I don't think I'd want to date me either.

I am pretty fucked up in the head.

Blahblahblah the right one will come along and then you'll know. I guess I'm just sick of waiting, I'm getting impatient.

I don't know why I focus on this so much. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of self-esteem and my inability to reassure myself that I can do well on my own and without another person's approval.

Who knows.

Just another day... One more step without them.

0 in love...