Shannon @ 9:53:00 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Vices
I wish I had different vices. It might, in fact, make my life easier. Might make this less painful.
I *hate* hearing about him and his girlfriend. I *hate* thinking about him and his girlfriend. I absolutely cannot handle it. And I don't know why - I shouldn't and don't want to care, but it hurts.
She's coming to visit him in September, I guess. Five months of being together and they're already going to see one another... It took him three years to come visit me.
This fact has invaded my conscious and now, with every lull in conversation or activity I find myself thinking about it. And, each time, it makes me want to cry like a baby.
Why, God, why am I not good enough? For anybody?
I know, I know, "You are good enough, he's a pain blahblahblah", but it doesn't feel like it.
And I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of this dull, throbbing pain in my heart.
I wish it'd just fuck off. Four months have passed (It really feels like so much more...) and it still feels like this.
Just once, I want to be someone's everything. I want to look in their eyes and know that they don't love anyone else, that they only care about me and they would hate to be anywhere but right there with me in their arms.
I thought, for a long time, that I had that. I guess I was wrong.
And it really sucks to have something like that ripped right out from under you...