Friday, November 02, 2007

I feel like I want to be sick.
I feel like I want to cry and throw up and be happy and laugh and talk all at the same time. And it's killing me.

I want to talk to him. I want to talk to both of them. I want to explain to one of them how I feel, how I hurt, how much this sucks and how bad I want things to go back to they way they are. I want to continue to tell him that I'm confused, and while those sweet things he is telling me are nice, they are nearly meaningless to me now - how do I know he's not saying those things to her too? How do I know that "I'm the sunshine parting the clouds", that "I'm not just the other woman"?

And to the other... I want to apologize more. I want to let my heart bleed to him, if only he would let me... And I would let myself. I want him to understand that I thought the other was the one, that everything was alright when I made that decision... That pushing him away was something I thought I had to do; I didn't want my heart in two places at once, not knowing that the other already had that covered. I want another chance.

But I don't. I know I need time to live on my own, to stand on my own to feet... But it's not what I'm used to. I love being attached. And I'm afraid if I believe them, I'm going to fall back into someone's arms, and I'll never support myself... Especially his. How am I to know if he's telling the truth? How am I supposed to be friends with someone who lied to me so much? We need to talk this out. We need to talk. I need to talk... I need to tell him how I feel.

Tomorrow, I tell myself... Tomorrow, later...

Eventually.