Shannon @ 2:11:00 AM
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I want to go to sleep and wake up and find him here.
It's ridiculous, I know, to entertain the idea. It's bad for my psyche. It's terrible for my emotional stability...
But I can't help it. I want him here, with me, arms around me, sleeping by my side-- snoring and all. I want the warmth, the smiles, the kisses. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I want to sit and watch a movie with him - I want to have a tickle fight that I lose, maybe on purpose, just to play around.
I wish this wasn't so hard. I wish it didn't still hurt so bad. And I won't show this to him. I won't tell him how I feel because he already knows, because he'll tell me I'm silly because it can't be changed right now. And it is silly to dwell on something you can't change like this.
Sometimes this is okay. Sometimes I just go about my business, acting like we used to. And I still do all the time to his face. But behind the computer, where he can't see me, I pout and sigh, tear up a little on occasion, and get sad when it's time to leave. I have to bite my tongue against saying 'I love you' like we used to do all the time, because we're walking that thin, friendship-relationship line right now. But I want to say it so bad - I miss it. But I know better than to do it. For his sake and mine.
Four months is too damned long...