Shannon @ 10:01:00 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
looking up
Good books? Check.
Erin time? Check.
Also: Having a better sense of what the FUCK is going on in my life? Check.
"
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."
S'amazing how just talking to someone seems to make things that much better. Nothing was legitimately resolved (how could it be?), but I have a better sense of what's going on and what I need to do. I've resolved to become friends with him, at the very least - whether or not I'm going to tell him that I may or may not have feelings for him is yet to be decided. I think what is going to happen is that I will tell him I want to roleplay, maybe come up with something completely different - something new and exciting - and just be friends. I need a roleplay, with him, sans the romance for right now. I need the creative outlet of roleplay without having to tug at my heart strings in knowing that our characters are in love, but we're not. Maybe later. Perhaps, even, all of this will make him truly realize what he's left behind. I don't even know if I want that to happen. I still really care for him, and while saying I still love him is a stretch, he means a lot. I've told him things I've never told anyone in my life. He knows things about me that I'm not sure anyone else does. Sometimes I think we were so emotionally attached that it was actually toxic to us - but I look back on all the time we spent together and it is often that I was smiling over crying. He's a good guy, he just did bad things. Everyone deserves forgiveness, pending a genuine change, and he should be no different. I do not blame him for my emotional distress right now - I'm doing this to myself, all this thinking and whatnot, and I'll take responsibility for that.
Speaking of taking responsibility for things, I know someone who isn't. This other boy and I are not playing nice anymore - we're not getting along. I feel as if though he is being childish, selfish, and uncooperative. He wants to be with me but not hear from me - he wants me to love him unconditionally but hasn't forgiven me for what happened. I made every effort to see him this past weekend. I've tried as hard as I can and I'm not going to chase after him anymore - I'm done.
As for what exactly I'm going to do about him... I don't know. I'm just not going to talk to him until he decides exactly what his deal is and contacts me, if he so chooses.
I'm amazingly calm about all of this. It's like I've finally realized that I need to just... Let things take their course. I can't chase him anymore and I won't...
"
I'm not going to stress over you anymore - It isn't worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. I'm not saying I don't want you because I definitely do; I'm just done chasing after you..."