Shannon @ 5:33:00 PM
Thursday, June 26, 2008
trying to understand
Sometimes I wonder if some sort of therapy, a psychiatrist or psychologist, wouldn't help me. Maybe they'd be able to help me understand and comes to terms with my issues and why I feel, so strongly and hugely without reason (I feel), I need to hold onto something and probably isn't even there anymore.
I want... To talk to him. About this. About what happened between us. I want to understand him maybe because I feel like, through that, I could somehow understand myself. I honestly wish I wasn't still so attached to him... He seems to have moved on (though I s'pose he could be putting on a face just like I am) and I wish I could do that too. I guess that's another dimension of the issue... I want him to feel the way I do. Or, even if not, I want to know how he feels. I'm sick of speculating on how he feels. I'm kind of getting mixed messages.
I really want to talk to him about it, even though I know I should at least wait if I bother to say anything at all. Then again, we spent a long time talking and he "has no obligations" to me anymore, what would keep him there listening? Part of me just doesn't feel like bothering him with it... Why dump my emotional burdens on him when he seems happy enough? Even if I alone couldn't make him happy, is it really my place to take away what happiness he has found, regardless of the circumstances?
I just... Want to find someone. I want someone who makes me a better person, a stronger person but at the same time, with a single stare, a kiss can make me weak at the knees. I want to love unconditionally, without reservations... Again.
I know that eventually, with or without him, I'll find someone who completes me. But it's hard to let go of someone who you are, and were for so long, convinced is pretty close to perfect for you.
I want to stop being tugged around; but I think it's mostly my issue. I'm letting it happen because I just want someone to care on a level other than friendship.
I still have strong feelings for Matt, too, which is another reason I'm not telling Diego anything. Matt right now, however, is being a bit... Childish in the way he wants to conduct the relationship. It's almost like he wants the power without the responsibility. When things go wrong suddenly it's my fault, no matter what I say. I love him to death, but I can't and refuse to be in a relationship like that.
Basically: I don't know. I don't know anything. And I hate it.
It scares me.