Shannon @ 10:40:00 PM
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Oh life
I don't know how many times in the last few days I've said the phrase "oh life". It's just so fitting.
Matt and I got into a fight on Monday afternoon and haven't really spoken since. I tried to get him to talk to me last night, or at least tell me if we were still seeing each other on Saturday, but he didn't answer me. I had called him late last night [Friday] to tell him when my roommate and I would be where we had planned to meet up. We stood outside the movie theatre for a little while, waiting to see him, I looked for him on the street, on the subway... But he was nowhere to be found. I hoped he would maybe suprise me and show up... But I guess I gave him too much credit.
I'm so frustrated with him. He wants to sugar-coat everthing, pretend like he's forgotten what I did to him and what happened between us. He said he "let it all go" and got back with me like nothing and that I can't get upset with him. This I don't understand. Aside from me not believing that he actually forgave everything, for him to tell me that I can't get upset with him is just him being a brat. If he was really over everything that happened he wouldn't be using it as a weapon.
Another things is that I've changed, I guess. But so has he - and I'm not certain I'm as much in love with who he's become as who he used to be. I loved how he used to be - and he blames this change on me. Fine, whatever, maybe it was partly my fault; but if he's honest with himself he'll take partial responsibility for it too. He's become cold and distant, unresponsive and lethargic. He is still a great guy with a big heart - but I wonder if I'm any good for him. You shouldn't change who you are for anyone or as a result of anyone. I want him to go back to the way he was before - the person I remember from almost five years ago now - and I know it's still in him. On occasion I'll hear it or see it from him, but it's like the changing of the seasons. One day he's sweet and lovable and the next it seems like even talking to him is like pulling teeth.
As my friend Kelsey said, "You tried hard this time - he can't ever blame you again." And I think she's right. I tried everything I could to make him happy - I came to visit him, made plans to see him for Christ's sake. I am, right this second, all of fifteen or twenty minutes from him... And he purposefully missed his chance.
I told him that when he was ready to take the leap of faith he should contact me... He needs to realize that I'm there to catch him. But this time he's really dug himself into a hole. I refuse to go through this relationship and not say how I feel. Him and I have a long way to go... But who knows now. I'm apparently not worth his time, so he's not worth mine either.
Oh life.