Shannon @ 1:58:00 AM
Thursday, June 26, 2008
aching
That goodbye was neither sweet nor bitter. It was... Normal, I guess. For friends, anyways.
The "another day" and "soon" seemed... Almost comical. I know he's not trying to poke at my feelings - hell, he doesn't even know what I feel - but it almost feels that way. He acts like there was nothing between us ever, and maybe it's best this way - I'm sure it is, right? Especially because he has another girl now.
I wanted him to... I don't know. To be emotional. I wanted him to pour himself out to me like I feel like doing with him. Maybe, though, he's biting his tongue just like I am. Instead it's "I'll see you soon, night night." That's all I get. I wanted to hear, "I missed this. Talking to you, that is... Roleplaying with you. I missed it. I missed you..." But there wasn't even a trace.
I guess I'm just being unreasonable.
I keep telling myself I need to wait - not to tell him anything about how I'm feeling until later and things have settled. I need to really understand myself in this whole situation. I also really have to decide what I want. Maybe in the coming weeks - depending on how things go, how often we talk, what happens between us - my feelings will change completely.
If not, I feel like I need to tell him. I need him to know. If he tells me that it's a lost cause, that he's not feeling the same way, then I'll leave it alone and not pick it up - I'll cry for a few days, want to drown myself in ice cream and chocolate, but I'll come out of it refreshed, relieved in a way, I hope. In some ways I want closure - I either want him to tell me that there is no chance in hell that we're going anywhere and that he's happy with his new life or I want to try to work through things... But who even knows. I don't even know.
I think a lot of this has to do with how new it is - tonight was only my second time talking to him. [[ btw - I do find in RPing with him... It's like I can forget who we are and invest myself in the characters, but the minute he starts trying to converse with me I break down and am a mess even though the outward face I give him is all flowers and bunny rabbits]] I need to relax, let things settle for a while. It also, I'm sure, has to do with the current state of things between Matt and I - the whole "not talking" thing kind of puts a damper on that whole situation [ Then again I am oddly calm about that situation...]
But my heart is screaming, "TELL HIM! ASK HIM! FIND OUT HOW HE FEELS!"
Well you know what? I know I can't do that right now, it's not a good idea, so...
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Damnit.
[[Addendum: I know I need to move on. Some part of my 'rational conscious' (if there is such a thing) is telling me that I couldn't be with him even if he still had feelings for me. There's too much pain, guilt, fighting, tears, heartache there... Right? I'd like to think, in some sort idealic world, that these things would make our relationship, our connection stronger... But I'm not sure I believe that. I don't know what I want aside from the fact that I want someone to love me - me and only me. I want someone to go to, like I used to go to him, someone to confide in. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. He was many of my relationship "firsts", maybe that's why it's so hard to let go of... My first true love. It all drives me crazy; will I ever be able to let go of this, with or without him? Will I be able to love somebody else and not think about him? Sometimes I wonder, and it hurts. I wish I could just stop myself. I'm tired of fighting with my heart. Sometimes I wish he was just a complete bastard so I would have a reason to hate him. That would just make things so much easier, it seems... At least in my head.]]
"
Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with 'whatever happens, happens'."