Shannon @ 2:50:00 PM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Really?
I'm a fuckin' awesome liar. For as much as I tell myself I don't chase him, don't care as much whether we talk or we don't, I still do it. His name is the first one I look for when I get online, my heart skips a beat every time he IMs me. When I hear those songs - there are quite a few - I still think about him. Every time I have a voice mail or missed call, I hope it's him. When I see a new text message I'm hoping he's just dropped one to say hello. New IM? I wonder if he's making the effort.
I keep telling myself I'm tired of caring. And, in a way, I am. But I can't stop myself. "I don't know what we are to each other but we can't seem to get away from one another either" - he hit the nail right on the head. In some way, he's my safety net. He makes me feel good, if only briefly, because he knows me. Inside and out sometimes, I think. Or maybe he doesn't - I don't know. Part of me is sure our relationship is toxic and ridiculous and I need to stop it. But part of me can't. Part of me doesn't *want* to because if feels good, God damnit. At least for that moment. For those few times where all he does is joke around with me, flirt, make silly comments. Where I sing him to sleep and listen to him breathe but can't feel him here next to me. Where I can imagine his hands on my skin, his voice in my ear. There's something good about it. Something right. I don't know what the fuck we are or what the fuck is going on. I don't know how to figure it out - and there is only one way that I can think of to
I want him to come here next weekend. I want him to see me - I feel like this would push us one way or the other in figuring out what the fuck is wrong with us, if anything is there between us, what the fuck is going on...
I think I'm insane. He hasn't so much as called me since we started talking about three weeks ago and I want him to come see me? Do I call him? Do I got against what I've been telling myself because I shouldn't be scared at this point? Do I make the effort when he's only just begun? Do I beg? Do I throw myself out there and ask? Is it worth it? Is it worth the possible discord it might cause, the money it would cost if he said yes, the torture and torment I'm likely to feel after he's gone? I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired of thinking about this. But even still my brain won't knock it the fuck off. I just continue to process, to ask, to feel like crying because I can't figure this out.
Part of me is convinced the best course of action is to just stop talking to him. To just let it go and move on. But... I can't. I don't know how to do that. I did that with Diego but that was so much easier... He hurt me, no the other way around. This time I think a lot of is that I feel that I owe Matt a lot. I owe him my time and my attention if he wants it. He's not making me miserable so much as I'm making myself miserable, I think. I care too much for my own good sometimes.
Thing is, when I'm busy, I'm fine. It's when I'm left to my own devices, my own thoughts, that I start freaking out about all this. I don't need him to survive, I know that. But I want him. What's so bad about that?
Then there's the Logan issue. And the Ramon issue. And the Diego issue that doesn't exist but that I'd like to actually blame for a lot of my own personal fucked up issues - that relationship screwed me three ways from Sunday because of how hard it was on me. But can I blame it all on that? No, that would be irresponsible and I'm all about the responsibility...
My friend Tanya pointed out to me that I probably hold myself back here at school, in 'real life', because I'm waiting for someone that may not care as much as I do. Whether it's Matt, Logan, Ramon or maybe even Diego, I hold myself back. But, honestly... I don't know if that's true. I have never sparked someone's interest in that way in real life before. I strongly believe that. At least not that I know of - no one has ever had a crush on me, not that I've known of anyways. So what am I holding myself back from? The last guy that I tried to get here in real life seemingly had no interest in me whatsoever... And I don't hang out with a whole lot of guys anyways, so...? There are plenty of cute boys around campus - a good portion of which seem to be taken, big surprise - but I don't talk to them. It's not that I don't talk to them because of Matt or Logan or whoever. I don't talk to them because I never have been the one to easily initiate that sort of conversation. I'm friendly, but I'm not... Pushy. Not to mention my intense self-consciousness issues.
I have too much work to be doing to be thinking about this right now.
Too bad my brain doesn't seem to be giving a shit about that.