Shannon @ 10:34:00 PM
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sigh.
I know it won't 'fix' anything. I know it won't because I'd still have to say goodbye. I'd still have to leave.
But I want to go so bad.
I want to just say 'fuck it' and hop on a plane next weekend.
I want to be with him again because it was safe and reassuring.
This whole up and down thing is just not cutting it. I can't handle it.
The mixed signals and crazyness I feel in my heart is utterly exhausting and I don't know if I can do it anymore.
And yet I know I will. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and admit I miss him but will continue to talk to him just like I always do. I just want it to be July right now. I want to know I'm going to be spending time with him soon.
I don't even want the label anymore necessarily, I just want to be with him. I want a hug. I want to feel comfortable. I just wish I knew for sure that was what he wanted too. That he was, even sort of subconciously, counting down the days... But I can't convince myself he is. I feel like he's going about his life as normal and I'm sorta stuck, watching the days drag by and just waiting for July...
... But, then again, I guess it's always sort of been that way for me in these situations.