Shannon @ 2:46:00 AM
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Not-girlfriend-girlfriend state
That's what I'm calling this. It's how I feel, basically down to the letter. I know I'm not his girlfriend. I know that we are not together. But, on many occasions, it feels like it. Sometimes we treat it like we are (like we always have?), though neither of us really mention anything about it.
And I guess I'm okay with it. I kinda want to be that cool guys-girl, that cool-to-hang-around-female-friend. Do I want to know he's mine? Yeah, sure, but that is honestly not feasible right now. And I have to admit that to myself, accept it, and move on. I can miss him - that's not going to go away - but I have to be realistic. If I get ahold of myself, it is so much easier to be his friend. To be that girl.
I feel comfortable talking to him... About just about anything, really. In truth, he's probably my best friend. Maybe I'm not in love and I just enjoy his company. Maybe that's okay too. But I can't really ignore the tug at my heart I feel, either.
Having spoken to him more, I understand better what he wants and what this all means to him. Yes, there are still minor gray areas, but what can I expect?
All in all, I have to sort of shove aside the self-pity and depression over him not being physically around and just sort of enjoy what I *do* have. Enjoy the friendship - the jokes, the phone conversations, the laughs, the arguments, the texts, the conversations into deep scientific topics - without the drama I create for myself. I think I'll be happier this way.
I'm still planning to go in July. I'd go earlier if I really had the time/money. But I think we're both pretty pumped for the summer... And maybe more anticipation, and subsequent relief is exactly what we need. In the end, I think things will work out.