Shannon @ 1:24:00 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2008
never sure what I want
It's true. I'm hardly ever sure what I want, what I want to do...Diego is online right now. I know he's online talking to her, RPing and whatever with her. I know he is... And I don't know if it's jealously or me actually wanting to talk to him again that makes me want to IM him. I haven't spoken to him in five weeks... 35 days without him. I know I can survive without him and in the back of my head I keep telling myself that if I don't give up on him he won't ever change. If I don't ignore him I'm going to get held back, I'll be stuck...
But part of me wants to prove that he doesn't have that hold on me anymore. That he can't keep me chained up, that I can resist this time. I'm so scared that I won't be able to, though... That I'll get caught up in old feelings, in tired pasts. I feel like being sick right now. I tell myself that everything he said was fake... That everything he ever told me was tainted with lies, even if he doesn't see it that way. Maybe I'm being selfish, but part of me wants to know if he still loves me. If I really had such an impact on someone that they can not talk to me for so long and still love me. I'm so scared of being alone sometimes that I think about going back to him... And what scares me about talking to him now is that he'll take that to his advantage, play with it, hold onto it and cradle me until I give in again.
I want so badly to be held. What little experience I have with it has left me tired and weak even as my imagination runs wild with possibilities. I want to give up sometimes - I want to just not doing anything, just stop caring. I'm sick of fighting myself, of holding onto this sick and twisted past. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go somewhere where none of this can follow me around. I wanna be able to smile and mean it all the time, I want to be able to look at another person one day and say "I love you" and mean it with all of my heart, without regrets, without thinking about what could have been with someone else.
I miss simple things that most couples take for granted but that I had to savor... I miss the anticipation of seeing him, I miss the feeling of someone touching me the way he could. I'll feel the sun on my face some days and if I close my eyes I pretend it's him, laying his cheek softly against mine, holding me in his arms until everything is "okie". Thing is... I never really knew that. But my imagination holds onto what could have been... What could have been with either of them and it's killing me. I just want someone to hold me, God damnit. I want a hug, I want to feel loved again... I don't want my heart to forget what that feels like, for my emotions to get so cold that I can't share them freely. I don't want to not trust people, even myself, for holding my heart.
I spend my days keeping myself busy to ignore what feelings I think I have towards them, holding back tears and anger so I can maybe lead a normal life. And it's true, sometimes I can go days without thinking about them. I sometimes spend my nights wishing I had someone beside me.
Someone. Not necessarily Diego, not necessarily Matt, anymore. Someone. And maybe that's what scares me the most about attempting to talk to Diego. That I'm still somewhat vulnerable and if I try to talk to him I'd fall back into his arms somehow. And as much as I miss being in love, it's not healthy. I can't go back to him.
He's gone now, though. Offline. My WoW subscription ran out and since it's almost finals and I don't have enough money/interest to pay for another month, I'm letting it go unused for now (one less way for me to contemplate talking to him). He only gets online one every so often, maybe once a week.
I'm afraid of the summer. I'm afraid I'm going to get so lonely that I'll go back to him... Maybe by then I'll feel better, I'll know how to deal with it better... It's only 4 weeks away.
I haven't cried about this in a while. Maybe it was time...
Comments:
You might consider taking him off your buddy list, if that's an option.
And you don't have to be in love to be loved; just hug your friends at school more often. :P I have my own Kelsey here and I tickle attack her constantly, and I drillpunch my guy friends when they're being silly.
The Internet is freakin' weird. Everything is different for its existence. Sometimes I think we'd be better off without it - without the ability to talk to people so easily from so far away, without roleplaying and the emotional weirdness that can bring.
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And you don't have to be in love to be loved; just hug your friends at school more often. :P I have my own Kelsey here and I tickle attack her constantly, and I drillpunch my guy friends when they're being silly.
The Internet is freakin' weird. Everything is different for its existence. Sometimes I think we'd be better off without it - without the ability to talk to people so easily from so far away, without roleplaying and the emotional weirdness that can bring.
