Shannon @ 6:14:00 PM

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Well, fuck, guys.

Today basically... Sucked.

Well... The first part did (between 7:00 and 7:30), then all the way up until about... 3:15 everything was okay - though not all that good.

Basically, the morning sucked because of the party that I was supposed to have on Saturday. Guess what? Not happening. Why? Because of this "Queer Carnivale" that is now preoccupying people who were supposed to go, and they forgot about my party. Until, that is, that I brought it up to them. Then it was 'Oh... I'm sorry' and such. Yeah, okay. I'll just hold my party some other time... Or not. Guess it's not happening. 'cause next weekend Erin isn't going to be here, and I don't feel like waiting two weeks. So, guess what? Canceled. Fucking great, people. Fucking great.

Oh... We got a Gold in NYSSMA. That was the only thing that made the middle of the day any good. But, when I got home, it turned to shit. Whoo-hoo.

So, I tell Diego about the whole party thing, and he tells me all this stuff about "well then I guess it's times like this that you find out who your real friends are". And I was like "Yeah... Sure". Becuase at this point, I was upset. And, I don't know what the hell went on in his mind, he told me that he didn't know how to deal with the "present situation". I didn't understand what the "present situation" was, so he told me that it was my inability to deal with the situation. Excuse me? I feel like I'm loosing grip on my friends, and I'm supposed to not be upset? What the fuck?

And he's like, "You need to learn to deal with dissapointment". And I was like... Wow. Okay. Whatever. Then we stopped talking for the last half an hour.

Then he left. He said goodnight, but didn't say "I love you". And that fucking hurt. It hurt bad.

And now, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm upset, and mostly I feel like shit. I really don't think I did any thing wrong... All I did was say that it upset me that my friends did that. And suddenly, I am not able to deal with dissapointment.

What. The. Fuck.

I want to scream. I think I'm going to go take a walk or something. I CAN'T do this. I don't know... I just DON'T!

I feel like I'm loosing grip on some of the most important people in my life (my friends), and I also just had a fight with my boyfriend. The the fucking hell.

I can't take the fact that we didn't say "I love you". I have this horrible fear, that something will happen to one of us, and that will be that. That the last thing I said to him wasn't "I love you" or wasn't even happy words.

Don't tell me it won't fucking happen. Because it can.

Maybe more on the whole friends shit later. If I feel like it.
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