Tuesday, October 23, 2007

So... Now seems like a great time to do a nice, lengthy post, seeing as I know I'm not going to get any work done in the next ~40 minutes before my chem lab, I feel like typing, and it's about time I wrote all this down somewhere... Writing is good for the soul. In most cases.

Anyways.

So... This past Friday I had off from classes because it was "Fall Break Weekend"... Almost everybody in my hall went home or went to visit a friend, but I had to work on Saturday... So for me that was a no-go. So I stayed here, planning to get a lot of back-reading done... Yeah.

Friday rolls around, and I get up kinda late, and decide I want to watch a movie... So I get Titanic and hunker down on Liza's bed with my water bottle, a little snack, and the remote. I finish that, and the ending ALWAYS makes me cry - never fails. Now, I should also note that I was sick AND it was that time of the month; so I was kind of miserable already, not to mention in deprivation of human contact, especially from a certain someone... Hadn't talked to him in at least 2 weeks ( this coming Thursday will make for 3 or so ). So, here I was crying and upset, and I began to think.

So... I'm crying, I'm upset, I'm sick... But I pull myself out of it. Decide to do something else... So I went to dinner with everyone, did some homework, went to bed. Not exciting.

Then, for whatever reason, I decided to watch Titanic again on Saturday... So again I start getting upset towards the end... And something possessed me to start looking to see if I could find an alternate way to contact Diego. I searched his name, his email, and his IM names on Google... Finally found a gaming site profile which linked to a LJ account. I went, "Hmm, never seen this before." So I clicked on it... Kind of expecting it to be a place for him to post his stories or something. Oh, there was a story to be had there alright... Just not the kind I was thinking.

As I looked through the posts, there were a few times where he mentioned "Michy" or "Michele" and how much he loved her. And here I am, in total shock - these entries are recent; the most recent being May of this year. And, in my disbelief, I'm hoping "Michele" is some sort of pen-name for me, and he just doesn't want to use my real name... For whatever reason.

But then there is someone else commenting on some of his journals, a girl, and she says she loves him. Well... Next logical step... Go to her journal.

Her entries are far more recent, and so I read around, and sure enough, there are some from June/July... Counting down to the days when Diego came to see her. I hoped to God that it was a coincidence, but there was too much for it to be true... Way too much. So I start bawling - and this is, mind you, less than a half hour before I'm scheduled to be at work. To make this shorter: I go to work, trying not to think about it, trying to get work done and such. At this point I don't really feel like eating, but I try to - I'm sick to my stomach.

I look around the girl's journal for a way to contact her... I can't find an email, so I'm really frustrated... But finally I find her phone number. After telling Erin all about it, she encourages me to call her, and so I do. Luckily for me, she was quite the nice girl and we had a conversation about 30 minutes long all about him. She had been going out with him for six years... And she started to suspect something was up when she went to visit him in Italy and things just didn't seem right... This is, of course, when he told me he was going to be in Israel for Christmas. Right, Israel. I'm sure.

Basically, the two of us are very similar - down to our first names, and some of our likes. He picked well, the bastard. So I finish talking to her, still upset and whatever. To be expected. Needless to say, my long-standing relationship with him is very much over... As hard as it is to let go, I don't have much choice.

Today is day four of me knowing, and it's getting easier everyday. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night, even though I kind of felt like I could... He doesn't deserve one more tear of mine. I know this isn't the end of my tears, but it's better than it was before.

I'll miss him... A little. Mostly I'll miss his attention, when he gave it to me, and our RPs... I'll miss feeling attached and being in love... Because nothing compares to that feeling. And I really do believe I was in love, even if it turns out the romance was pretty much one-sided.

I still haven't talked to him since before I found out about Michy... And he doesn't know we know. She's moved on a lot easier than me (she'd be suspecting something like this for a while now), and I'm happy for her. We plan to lull him into a false sense of security should he actually decide to show up again. We're wondering if he won't just 'fall off the face of the Earth', or if he'll actually try to contact us again. I have his Dad's email... I tempted to ask him for his phone number, just so I can call him and ask him when he'll be able to get online again... Again, he doesn't know I know.

We'll get him. He'll either have to be the ultimate coward - that is, never show up again - or a coward that runs away once he realizes he's caught... Or maybe he'll man up and actually give us the truth and answers we deserve... One can hope. If nothing else, I want him to know how I feel, what he's lost, and how I'll move on without him (as I said before; I don't need him, I just want him) - I'll go on to kick ass and take names, even without his help.

=)