Saturday, October 27, 2007

This weekend has so far gone much better than the last... Then again, I don't know how this weekend could be worse than last weekend.

... Yeah, I do. But nevermind that.

Thing is, this whole week has been a process of "I feel like I should cry, but I don't want to... I can't." If I sit down an think about it I'm sure I could. But do I want to? Part of me kind of does... If only because crying sometimes makes me feel better. And part of me knows I shouldn't, because he doesn't deserve one more of my damned tears. But... How can I 'let go' of a three year relationship so fast? I mean, I guess I haven't completely let it go... I can still get teary, I still feel sad... There are plenty of things that still make me think about him.

The worst part of this is probably not being able to talk to him. That, and me knowing I can't hate him. I want so badly to just say " I hate him" and leave it at that, but I *don't* hate him. Maybe it has something to do with what I've done in my past, but I don't hate him - I still care about him somewhere deep inside. While I may never be able to trust him again, and another try at a serious relationship between the two of us is quite nearly out of the question, I still kind of want to be friends. And, at the same time, I want nothing to do with him. I'm afraid to fall for him again, I'm afraid to lose control and end up hurting myself...

Maybe I'm underestimating my strength here... Maybe I'm being too scared. There are other things I'm afraid of too, for that matter. Matt came back to talk to me a few months back, and I talked to him - I talked to him a lot. But in the weeks before Diego came to visit, I pushed him away on purpose because I thought Diego was somehow "the one", and I didn't want to mess that up by having my heart in two places at once. I kind of want to talk to Matt again, tell him I'm sorry and that I know what I did to him hurt, since I now know what it feels like; except on a larger scale. I want to be friends with him again, but I'm afraid that he will take this as me wanting to be with him. He's a wonderful guy, and I'd date him, but... It's just not right. Everything that has happened between us, I feel, may cause too much of a pressure in our relationship... It would cause a lot of things to go unsaid and feelings to be pushed aside to build up. I'm afraid of doing another online relationship, and even more I'm afraid to trust my heart with anyone else... At least for a while. I'm afraid of meeting him if we were to get together, I'm afraid of my parents finding out... Because I was never supposed to talk to him again, really. They cut me off in the first place... What would they do if they found out that he was talking to me again? It's not my fault that it's that way, granted... HE was the one that contacted me, but I didn't have to respond... Did I? I feel like I owe him so much... And he owes me nothing.

I haven't talked to him since I got here, and I'm afraid that me talking to him now will just open up a slowly-closing wound. At the same time, I think he may appreciate me talking to him and telling him about it, as well as another, very sincere, apology. All in all, I'm very confused and have no idea what I want or what to do.

I want a hug, and I want my cats. I want my friends, and I want to be wrapped in that sweet seduction of love...