Monday, December 10, 2007

If I were to tell you that life would never be as it was... That things would change; that I... That I have changed, what cause have you to believe me? None, you say. Correct. But that doesn't mean you can't... Simply that you won't.

And while I understand your pain, you must understand it was never intentional. Never once did I mean to inflict upon you the heartache I have now. Never once did I have in mind to bring upon you any of this. I tried to protect you, to make this better for the both of us... But it backfired. Backfired into small, discrete little pieces, which no one can piece back together.

And for that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for what I did, but for the outcome of what happened. Not that I was trying to protect you; no, because I had every good intention 0f doing that. I am sorry for the fact that it came out wrong. I am sorry for something I couldn't really control and more so I am sorry that I cannot fix it. I can't put those minuscule pieces of what we once had back together... Not alone.

And because I'm the only one here, crouched on the floor in the dark, putting back together those pieces, with you watching from three steps back, I'm sure I'm alone. The darkness becomes more haunting every day, and I'm sorry to say that I can't stand it anymore. I'm giving up, laying down my pieces and my glue... For what I've tried to do has done little to advance what were are towards what we had. I am open to this, to us, to you... But are you?

I understand if you are not. I understand if you can't bare to put your heart out on that line again... Lest it be broken like it has been already. But if you can't do that, and again I do not blame you, then I can't put mine there beside it.

Everything you say to me is like a test... Every word spoken from my lips is being scored. A lie or truth? Fiction or reality? I can't live like that and this seemingly toxic thing between us can't stay through it. I do not condemn or condone your choice to do what you're doing... Only wish that you would change it. And that is all I can do; wish. And it's what I shall do while kneeling here before you on the floor, slowly piecing back together something that will never again be whole.

Your fear has pushed me away... And while I do not blame you for having fear, I will no longer take responsibility if we lose each other. I will not be responsible for putting together those pieces alone.