Shannon @ 9:56:00 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Time flies...
I can't hardly believe it's been a year since I found out (on the 2oth). Somehow it feels more recent, but at the same time... It seems like such a long, long time ago.
I hardly ever even think about him any more. I mean, on occasion someone will say something or I'll see something or someone will catch my eye and I swear, for a split-second, that it's him. Sometimes I think about emailing him and asking him how he is... But what good would that really do either of us? I made the effort to speak to him again and he has made his decision, apparently. He knows my email, my screen name - he hasn't signed on since July.
To say I miss him still might be pushing it; I just liked how simple it was with him. I was in love, I told myself, and that's it - he was the only one I had my eye on.
Now I'm left wondering how to go about conducting another relationship. Two guys online have a fondness for me, but am I ready and willing to wait for either of them?
I had an interest in a guy here and I was actually pursuing it... Only to come to find out that he's bisexual (which isn't the issue here, really) and, a few days after what I thought was a date between us, I found out that he's now dating a boy. Talk about awkward. But that's only because I still have feelings for him (he's a great guy... Cute, funny, kind, he's got the same major as me, etc) and I'm not sure if he knows... Either way, he's still flirting with me, which he shouldn't be doing if he's got a significant other.
In any event, that's over and... I've really not got my eye on anyone else here at school yet. There's a desk attendant in the building, Shaun, who is funny and hot, but I don't think he'd be interested in me... Though who knows, I guess. I don't see him enough to get a chance to find out, so. Oh well, I guess.
I'm not sure I'm happy with the guy I'm 'with' right now... Sometimes I am, but there are so many things that bother me that I just can't decide.
A lot of the problem is also Matt. He's got me turned upside down all the damned time - he shows some commitment to talking to me, to wanting to be with me but then drops the ball at other times. I get mad at him, he gets mad at me, and after a week of not talking, I pretty much decide I'm done with him and then a day later (like he has some damned radar or something) he comes back and tries to patch things up. And, whether it's because I feel bad for what I've done to him or the fact that I feel some sort of connection with him that I've never felt with anyone else, just because of what we've been through together. Some times I wonder if that's enough to hold up a relationship, if that's even ground to stand on, to begin with. But then there are times where I can almost hear him smile - I listen to him laugh, or even just breathe, and I know it could work.
I've come to the conclusion that the biggest problem is that we're both impatient. We remember how it was before everything happened, before we missed four years of each other's lives - when everything was lilies and daffodils and we were certain we'd be together forever - and we can't always recognize that things have changed, that feelings and situations have changed. Neither of us have as much time for the other as we once did - I've got class, he's got work during the day, at night we're exhausted or I've got meetings and socials and workshops and whatever. We're not used to that. When he calls me, I'm lucky to talk to him for a half hour before he usually falls asleep or has to go because he's at work. I wouldn't mind that so much if the calls were consistent. The fact is that he'll call me one night to help him fall asleep but won't call me again for a week. He's not too talkative online either, which is okay I guess, but it's got to be one or the other - it's not like we see each other every day.
At the end of the day I've got a lot of shit to sort out. Mostly having to do with boys.
They are issues. But then, when aren't they?