Shannon @ 4:00:00 PM

Monday, April 26, 2010

confusionnnn

I want to be loved for everything that I am. I want to be loved for every piece of me. I want him to recognize that I'm standing right in front of him.

He's always on my mind. Constantly in my heart. I wonder about him when I wake up, think about him when I go to sleep. I can't wait to sleep next to him. To have him hug me. To pretend, even for a month, that he loves me like I want him to.

There is nothing easy about this. I'm constantly missing him, wishing he was here. Constantly hoping he'll call, text, IM, something.

And yet I'm scared to death. I'm nervous about visiting him, especially for so long. What if something goes wrong? What if I get stuck? What if something happens before I even leave?

And in the mean time, what do I do? How do I act?

I want him to take more interest, to show he cares just a little more. I s'pose that if he doesn't, that's okay too... But I wish he'd otherwise stop pretending. His response to my sadness tends to be that I need to buck up, or he completely ignores it.

I'm tired of crying alone, of talking to myself. I wish he'd listen. I don't think I ask for all that much...

My heart hurts, even after that conversation. Because I know he's leaving his options open. He loves me, that much I believe... But it hurts to know it's still not enough. Because of the distance. Because we're so many thousands of miles apart. Because it costs $500 to see each other. Because we see each other once every six months, if we're lucky.

I'm terrified of going to see him. And yet, I'm unbelievably excited. I want that time with him. But do I want the emotional wreck I know I'm going to be when its over? What do we do after? The same thing we're doing now. We be best friends, good friends, friends with benefits... Whatever the hell that means. I'm not moving down there, at least not until after school is done. And even then, no guarantees. What if one of his other options is better than me?

I think this hurts most because I don't have any options. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want him to pull me out. Maybe I've put blinders on myself because I'm so obsessed with him. I find other guys attractive, but I'd never go after it. I don't know if that's because of him or because I'm terrified of rejection. Probably both.

The truth of the matter is, I need to get a grip. I can't tell what is going to happen in the next month, two months, or even year. I can't tell where either of us will be by the end of the summer, much less by the time I graduate. I have to go where I get a job - I don't have a choice. If I can get a job in/near/around Tulsa or even Oklahoma, great. It's just so hard to see myself with anyone else because I don't have anyone in mind. He has options. He has other girls to go after. He could, potentially, end up with someone else. And I don't like that. But it's only fair - what can I expect from him?

When we're together, things are great. But I'm just not a fan of how easy it is/was/will be for him to transition from being with me as a 'mutually interested friend with benefits' to having his options open for other girls. It's like breaking up with him. Every time. Or something, I don't know. I'm crazy.

I don't know. I feel crazy, honestly. I know, logically, that I can't expect anything else from him - we're not together, we're not close [though it's been stated that if we were, that would all be different], so he's leaving himself open for other options. Just like I should. He's told me to, others have told me to... But the truth is, I'm just not interested in anyone else. Or I am and I'm just so convinced nothing is going to [should?] happen with it, that I just ignore it or make excuses.

I can't wait to see him. To hold him. To be hugged, loved, kissed... To feel wanted. But I'm also sad because I know it has to end. I'm sad because I know that, on August second, I have to say 'until next time'. And, in the mean time, he goes after someone else. And where am I left? Alone, just like always.

We had a good conversation last night where he pointed out some of the things that I do that contribute to making me feel the way I do. But I feel empty. My chest hurts. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe because, despite everything, I'm still afraid to lose it. I'm afraid to lose that love to someone else.

Ugh. I don't know. I'm so confused and there isn't anything that can keep my mind away from it, it seems. I need a serious, major distraction from him/this/us. And badly.

I need to get a grip on myself. My life. My priorities. My feelings. And what's best for me.

5 in love...

Shannon @ 10:11:00 AM

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Bleh

I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. He's got to, right? If he calls me and talks to me all the time, I mean.

I just wish he expressed it more. More often than when he is drunk.

0 in love...