Shannon @ 4:00:00 PM
Monday, April 26, 2010
confusionnnn
I want to be loved for everything that I am. I want to be loved for every piece of me. I want him to recognize that I'm standing right in front of him.He's always on my mind. Constantly in my heart. I wonder about him when I wake up, think about him when I go to sleep. I can't wait to sleep next to him. To have him hug me. To pretend, even for a month, that he loves me like I want him to.
There is nothing easy about this. I'm constantly missing him, wishing he was here. Constantly hoping he'll call, text, IM, something.
And yet I'm scared to death. I'm nervous about visiting him, especially for so long. What if something goes wrong? What if I get stuck? What if something happens before I even leave?
And in the mean time, what do I do? How do I act?
I want him to take more interest, to show he cares just a little more. I s'pose that if he doesn't, that's okay too... But I wish he'd otherwise stop pretending. His response to my sadness tends to be that I need to buck up, or he completely ignores it.
I'm tired of crying alone, of talking to myself. I wish he'd listen. I don't think I ask for all that much...
My heart hurts, even after that conversation. Because I know he's leaving his options open. He loves me, that much I believe... But it hurts to know it's still not enough. Because of the distance. Because we're so many thousands of miles apart. Because it costs $500 to see each other. Because we see each other once every six months, if we're lucky.
I'm terrified of going to see him. And yet, I'm unbelievably excited. I want that time with him. But do I want the emotional wreck I know I'm going to be when its over? What do we do after? The same thing we're doing now. We be best friends, good friends, friends with benefits... Whatever the hell that means. I'm not moving down there, at least not until after school is done. And even then, no guarantees. What if one of his other options is better than me?
I think this hurts most because I don't have any options. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want him to pull me out. Maybe I've put blinders on myself because I'm so obsessed with him. I find other guys attractive, but I'd never go after it. I don't know if that's because of him or because I'm terrified of rejection. Probably both.
The truth of the matter is, I need to get a grip. I can't tell what is going to happen in the next month, two months, or even year. I can't tell where either of us will be by the end of the summer, much less by the time I graduate. I have to go where I get a job - I don't have a choice. If I can get a job in/near/around Tulsa or even Oklahoma, great. It's just so hard to see myself with anyone else because I don't have anyone in mind. He has options. He has other girls to go after. He could, potentially, end up with someone else. And I don't like that. But it's only fair - what can I expect from him?
When we're together, things are great. But I'm just not a fan of how easy it is/was/will be for him to transition from being with me as a 'mutually interested friend with benefits' to having his options open for other girls. It's like breaking up with him. Every time. Or something, I don't know. I'm crazy.
I don't know. I feel crazy, honestly. I know, logically, that I can't expect anything else from him - we're not together, we're not close [though it's been stated that if we were, that would all be different], so he's leaving himself open for other options. Just like I should. He's told me to, others have told me to... But the truth is, I'm just not interested in anyone else. Or I am and I'm just so convinced nothing is going to [should?] happen with it, that I just ignore it or make excuses.
I can't wait to see him. To hold him. To be hugged, loved, kissed... To feel wanted. But I'm also sad because I know it has to end. I'm sad because I know that, on August second, I have to say 'until next time'. And, in the mean time, he goes after someone else. And where am I left? Alone, just like always.
We had a good conversation last night where he pointed out some of the things that I do that contribute to making me feel the way I do. But I feel empty. My chest hurts. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe because, despite everything, I'm still afraid to lose it. I'm afraid to lose that love to someone else.
Ugh. I don't know. I'm so confused and there isn't anything that can keep my mind away from it, it seems. I need a serious, major distraction from him/this/us. And badly.
I need to get a grip on myself. My life. My priorities. My feelings. And what's best for me.
Comments:
In the realm of the potentially unhelpful, but potentially sobering reminder from a mind outside your own -
From here, it looks like if you were to end up with him, at this rate he'd expect you to be the eternal sacrificer: the one to let go of something else for him, the one to make him a priority while you're just an "option" to him. The vast majority of people could not possibly be happy as the downtrodden partner in a relationship like that. I'd certainly never wish such a thing on you.
At the same time, if you love him and the whole "open relationship" or "friends with benefits" thing feels more like commitment to you because (let's face it) most of us ladies aren't exactly wired for anything but loving monogamy, I see where it would be difficult to either let him go completely or follow his (morally and emotionally dubious, imho) example and flirt around, pursue someone else, whatever. He probably knows this about you, and if he does, then what he's doing is simply unfair. He has you locked up to do with what he pleases. Abuse is a strong word, but one that bears at least some thought in this situation.
Well. My unsolicited two cents. I <3 you Shannonpod.
From here, it looks like if you were to end up with him, at this rate he'd expect you to be the eternal sacrificer: the one to let go of something else for him, the one to make him a priority while you're just an "option" to him. The vast majority of people could not possibly be happy as the downtrodden partner in a relationship like that. I'd certainly never wish such a thing on you.
At the same time, if you love him and the whole "open relationship" or "friends with benefits" thing feels more like commitment to you because (let's face it) most of us ladies aren't exactly wired for anything but loving monogamy, I see where it would be difficult to either let him go completely or follow his (morally and emotionally dubious, imho) example and flirt around, pursue someone else, whatever. He probably knows this about you, and if he does, then what he's doing is simply unfair. He has you locked up to do with what he pleases. Abuse is a strong word, but one that bears at least some thought in this situation.
Well. My unsolicited two cents. I <3 you Shannonpod.
I'm surprised you still read this emotional drivel. >>;
Anywho. What you say makes sense. And I can understand it. And I've thought the word 'abuse' before myself, but... It just seems a little harsh. But then again, that's coming from me on the inside of that who track. Sometimes, I guess, I do feel trapped.
The fact of the matter is... I don't know how to get out. It's a painful process to even think of and the thought of just walking away completely is almost unbearable. My throat literally gets sore... My chest tightens at that. He's a good friend to me, encourages me to go seeking other things... But it's hard to do that. I don't see anyone here I want to date that isn't already spoken for, gay, or just... Plain uninteresting.
But like I said... Sometimes I do feel trapped, if only by my own mind/thoughts. I want to seek other things. I don't want him to be priority if I'm just an option to him. I don't want that for myself. But then I wonder what other choice do I have?
I don't know. My mind likes to drag me through the proverbial mud and around in circles, never quite getting anywhere useful.
Truth is... I have no idea what to do. And that is both scary and just awful; makes me feel helpless.
Anywho. What you say makes sense. And I can understand it. And I've thought the word 'abuse' before myself, but... It just seems a little harsh. But then again, that's coming from me on the inside of that who track. Sometimes, I guess, I do feel trapped.
The fact of the matter is... I don't know how to get out. It's a painful process to even think of and the thought of just walking away completely is almost unbearable. My throat literally gets sore... My chest tightens at that. He's a good friend to me, encourages me to go seeking other things... But it's hard to do that. I don't see anyone here I want to date that isn't already spoken for, gay, or just... Plain uninteresting.
But like I said... Sometimes I do feel trapped, if only by my own mind/thoughts. I want to seek other things. I don't want him to be priority if I'm just an option to him. I don't want that for myself. But then I wonder what other choice do I have?
I don't know. My mind likes to drag me through the proverbial mud and around in circles, never quite getting anywhere useful.
Truth is... I have no idea what to do. And that is both scary and just awful; makes me feel helpless.
i just stumbled upon your blog randomly, and i have to say... i completely feel for you. hope things are looking better for you!
# posted by 
: 9:46:00 PM
: 9:46:00 PM
I, too, found this utterly by accident. However, I tend to agree with "ees" on the fact that you have a very problematic situation on your hands. I think you should listen to her. She's given you some good advice.
My two cents? You should think about looking into yourself to find the strength to put distance between the two of you. Love, unfortunately, rarely lasts forever. If you can learn to live without his presence, you'll find that your head is cooler when dealing with the issues that your relationship presents.
I hope this helps you, and I hope that you know that you aren't alone in this world. :)
My two cents? You should think about looking into yourself to find the strength to put distance between the two of you. Love, unfortunately, rarely lasts forever. If you can learn to live without his presence, you'll find that your head is cooler when dealing with the issues that your relationship presents.
I hope this helps you, and I hope that you know that you aren't alone in this world. :)
Hi! My last two cents for today. The one thing every woman needs to ask the man they are into is: "where do you see yourself in five years?" His answer will tell you a few things. If he's serious about you, about life and if he is a man worth starting a life with. DOn't let him give you vague answers like- I see myself married & starting a family. If you don't get a married to Shannon type of answer say goodbye.
I would agree with Ees that it is a form of abuse because I have been there- stayed in that spot for almost 2 years of my life. I was in LOVE with a man who lived in Texas- whilst I lived in the Bahamas. It would have been so much easier for him to visit me because he had the finances to do it- but he didn't. It was always about me & what I would do to please him. Finally I'd had enough & I realized that I was making a priority of someone who only saw me as an option.
Shannon you are a PRIORITY. If he doesn't see that let him go. When I let go of my C.M. I opened my heart to new possibilities. I met the man that I am now engaged to & the funny thing about karma is that it is a witch. C.M. called me a few months into my present relationship apologizing for all he had did because he finally saw the woman he could have had. But guess what- I was too over him to care- the love I'd found was/is wonderful & SOOOO much better.
Nat
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I would agree with Ees that it is a form of abuse because I have been there- stayed in that spot for almost 2 years of my life. I was in LOVE with a man who lived in Texas- whilst I lived in the Bahamas. It would have been so much easier for him to visit me because he had the finances to do it- but he didn't. It was always about me & what I would do to please him. Finally I'd had enough & I realized that I was making a priority of someone who only saw me as an option.
Shannon you are a PRIORITY. If he doesn't see that let him go. When I let go of my C.M. I opened my heart to new possibilities. I met the man that I am now engaged to & the funny thing about karma is that it is a witch. C.M. called me a few months into my present relationship apologizing for all he had did because he finally saw the woman he could have had. But guess what- I was too over him to care- the love I'd found was/is wonderful & SOOOO much better.
Nat