Shannon @ 7:33:00 AM

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

The hardest question I keep asking myself is "What if he doesn't love me back?" Or even enough? Or the same way? What in the world am I gonna do if he actually says no?

I can't imagine life completely without him. I find my heart stopping at the suggestion that we would never speak again. It makes me sick to think that basically because of the love I feel for him, I'd never see him again.

I want, so desperately, to surround myself with him. I know where I want to be and where I want to go after I graduate... And it's with him.

I always knew I wouldn't leave Oswego for him, so I always knew we had time. We don't have much time left anymore and now I feel like I know where I need or want to be and who I need or want to surround myself with.

I know we have our issues. He frustrates me, makes me angry and doesn't do everything I ask him or don't ask him to do (as if I should expect him to do what I'm thinking in my head if I never tell him, right?). But he challenges me to stand up for myself and slowly but surely I'm gaining ground here.

I love him. A lot. He's my best friend and my confidant and my lover. He's not perfect, but neither am I. I know my love isn't enough to 'fix' this if it's 'broken'. But I'm hoping he's willing to meet me half way.

I just have to start the conversation, knowing there is the distinct possibility I could get an answer I don't want...

1 in love...

Shannon @ 6:44:00 PM

Monday, January 31, 2011

Another Rant...

After a long talk with Tara, I have a slightly clearer view of what I want.

When I look into my future in four months, I see him. I see Tulsa. I see me getting into a car, packed full of my things, and taking a road trip to Tulsa... To my new home.

I have decided that the saddest part of our situation is that I love him so much and that every moment with him seems so right. I love being around him for the most part (like anyone, we have our fight), I love having him hold me and kiss me. I want to be his. But also knowing that it ends and that (maybe) nothing will come of it all.

But I have agreed to/endured/tolerated this best-friend-girlfriend situation because, as Tara said, I've had time to. Since we seriously started talking, I knew that where I belonged was in Oswego and that I wasn't going to leave there for him. So every talk of being together or whatever was years away. Now that future we talked about is mere months away and I don't have time to waste anymore. I don't have weeks to think about what I *think* he wants.

I need to grow a pair and just ask him straight out. "What do you want?" or "Is me moving to Tulsa what you want?" or "Would me moving to Tulsa be enough to get you to want to try us being together? Is that what it would take?"

I know what I want. I want to try being with him in a way we haven't had the opportunity to be yet. I want to try being his everyday, not just when it's convenient. And that opportunity is coming soon. However, I don't want to move down there under the idea of 'maybe' he'd try to see if we'd work out. I want to know that's what he wants. I want him to tell me that he would give it a try. But if that's not what he wants... I need to know that, too.

Essentially, the ball is in his court. "I don't know" won't cut it. He has to decide and tell me. He HAS to let me know. I need a game plan. I need a solid answer. I need help here. I've been as selfless as I can be for the last few years... And now that I know what I want and I'm not (less) afraid to say it, it's my turn to make the rules. I hate demanding things of people. It's going to be awkward. More than that, it is going to be beyond difficult to say "I don't know won't work any more. You need to decide what it is YOU want and what YOU need and if you would be willing to make this work. If not, I need to know that, too. So call me when you figure it out and let me know."

I'm afraid he won't chase after me. I'm afraid I'm not worth it to him. "If he doesn't, he's not worth it. He should know what he's losing and know better than to not."

Yeah, yeah. Easy to say, hard to believe. He's been in my life for seven years and I'm not sure I can imagine what it would be like without him.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:31:00 AM

Sunday, September 26, 2010

This is me...

...trying to get over you.
...telling myself it's the best way.
...telling myself that I deserve better... Even when all I want is you.
...trying, so hard, to make you see what you're on the verge of losing. So that maybe, just once, you'll try to save it.
...trying not to thinking about all the fun we had.
...trying not to ask you to come visit in October, or come meet my parents in November. You should say something first this time... I don't always want to be the only one.
...attempting to commit myself to a couple more months of relative solitude. Especially when I sleep or when I cry.
...trying to remember what it feels like to be loved for real. And remembering that that is what I deserve.
...trying to tell myself that it would be better for us if you were to end up with her. That somehow, despite how much it hurts to miss you now, in the end it would feel okay.
...missing you so much that it hurts... And wondering if you even so much as think about me during the day.
...trying to be your best friend. All while trying to hold out a glimmer of hope... Just in case you come around.
...trying to be mad at you... You were convinced that would make it easier on me.

Unfortunately... None of it's working too well. I don't know how to do this... I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.

2 in love...

Shannon @ 4:00:00 PM

Monday, April 26, 2010

confusionnnn

I want to be loved for everything that I am. I want to be loved for every piece of me. I want him to recognize that I'm standing right in front of him.

He's always on my mind. Constantly in my heart. I wonder about him when I wake up, think about him when I go to sleep. I can't wait to sleep next to him. To have him hug me. To pretend, even for a month, that he loves me like I want him to.

There is nothing easy about this. I'm constantly missing him, wishing he was here. Constantly hoping he'll call, text, IM, something.

And yet I'm scared to death. I'm nervous about visiting him, especially for so long. What if something goes wrong? What if I get stuck? What if something happens before I even leave?

And in the mean time, what do I do? How do I act?

I want him to take more interest, to show he cares just a little more. I s'pose that if he doesn't, that's okay too... But I wish he'd otherwise stop pretending. His response to my sadness tends to be that I need to buck up, or he completely ignores it.

I'm tired of crying alone, of talking to myself. I wish he'd listen. I don't think I ask for all that much...

My heart hurts, even after that conversation. Because I know he's leaving his options open. He loves me, that much I believe... But it hurts to know it's still not enough. Because of the distance. Because we're so many thousands of miles apart. Because it costs $500 to see each other. Because we see each other once every six months, if we're lucky.

I'm terrified of going to see him. And yet, I'm unbelievably excited. I want that time with him. But do I want the emotional wreck I know I'm going to be when its over? What do we do after? The same thing we're doing now. We be best friends, good friends, friends with benefits... Whatever the hell that means. I'm not moving down there, at least not until after school is done. And even then, no guarantees. What if one of his other options is better than me?

I think this hurts most because I don't have any options. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want him to pull me out. Maybe I've put blinders on myself because I'm so obsessed with him. I find other guys attractive, but I'd never go after it. I don't know if that's because of him or because I'm terrified of rejection. Probably both.

The truth of the matter is, I need to get a grip. I can't tell what is going to happen in the next month, two months, or even year. I can't tell where either of us will be by the end of the summer, much less by the time I graduate. I have to go where I get a job - I don't have a choice. If I can get a job in/near/around Tulsa or even Oklahoma, great. It's just so hard to see myself with anyone else because I don't have anyone in mind. He has options. He has other girls to go after. He could, potentially, end up with someone else. And I don't like that. But it's only fair - what can I expect from him?

When we're together, things are great. But I'm just not a fan of how easy it is/was/will be for him to transition from being with me as a 'mutually interested friend with benefits' to having his options open for other girls. It's like breaking up with him. Every time. Or something, I don't know. I'm crazy.

I don't know. I feel crazy, honestly. I know, logically, that I can't expect anything else from him - we're not together, we're not close [though it's been stated that if we were, that would all be different], so he's leaving himself open for other options. Just like I should. He's told me to, others have told me to... But the truth is, I'm just not interested in anyone else. Or I am and I'm just so convinced nothing is going to [should?] happen with it, that I just ignore it or make excuses.

I can't wait to see him. To hold him. To be hugged, loved, kissed... To feel wanted. But I'm also sad because I know it has to end. I'm sad because I know that, on August second, I have to say 'until next time'. And, in the mean time, he goes after someone else. And where am I left? Alone, just like always.

We had a good conversation last night where he pointed out some of the things that I do that contribute to making me feel the way I do. But I feel empty. My chest hurts. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe because, despite everything, I'm still afraid to lose it. I'm afraid to lose that love to someone else.

Ugh. I don't know. I'm so confused and there isn't anything that can keep my mind away from it, it seems. I need a serious, major distraction from him/this/us. And badly.

I need to get a grip on myself. My life. My priorities. My feelings. And what's best for me.

5 in love...

Shannon @ 10:11:00 AM

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Bleh

I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. He's got to, right? If he calls me and talks to me all the time, I mean.

I just wish he expressed it more. More often than when he is drunk.