Shannon @ 10:23:00 PM

Friday, March 15, 2013

I need a break. From everything. I want to run away for a week and take time for... I don't know. Something.

I am incredibly frustrated with myself for being so angry, still, about this situation. I feel sick at the thought of wanting him still, but I know I do. But I want to stop wanting him, because it's killing me. Mostly it's killing me to watch him want to be with someone else, even under the guise of "it's going to fail". WHEN? HOW? WHERE? WHY?!

I don't see an end to it. And he's right, I'm not there all the time. Not even half the time - not even, really, ever. But the idea is that this casual dating bullshit is going to be drawn out farther than I want it to be. It's already been a fucking month. How much longer? Oh, you don't know? That's because you're not looking for it to end - you don't "see" and end in it any more than I do. You're just convinced it will, because they all have. The only one that has stuck around has been me. Stupidly, perhaps, thought I still believe in you. Somehow. Someway I am still convinced you could do go things - that we could do good things together, for each other.

But no. No, you just want to be affectionate with me when it seems to serve you, when you want to be, and then you want to run away to her every now and then to be comforted differently. You want me to cook and clean for you, comfort you, rub your back, and have sex with you - but you want to be able to run to her and HER friends when it pleases you. Until, apparently, it's over. Whenever the fuck that might be.

I don't see what you fucking need from her that I don't, haven't, or won't give you - I don't fucking get it. And I never will. But apparently there is /something/, though fuck me if you can spit it out and tell me. "I don't know" is getting really fucking old. REALLY old. I am willing to give you so much - not because I want to impress you, not because I have to - but because I want to. Because I love you, still, somehow, someway. Because I can still look at you smiling at me and want to shiver - I can still get tense at your touch because it means something.

And maybe you do care. You probably do somewhere inside, in some way. But not enough to stop yourself. No matter how I react - I could be as cool as a cucumber, or more angry than I am now, and you'd still fucking go right ahead and do what you were going to do. My reaction means /nothing/ to your course of action. So I might as well feel how I'm feeling and not fucking spare you any of it - because I shouldn't have to suffer this alone. You've built this glass house for yourself. You've ASKED for this situation. I'm done sparing your feelings because I'm afraid of making you angry at me for being frustrated with the situation - I am not in the business to make you comfortable in your decision, because I sure as hell am not.

YOU have chosen this.
YOU have followed through.
And YOU will suffer through the consequences, whatever they may be.

Whether that is me happy and healthy and talkative and funny and warm... Or me bitching and angry and complaining and cold. You will deal with that as it comes, as I feel it, as I need to express myself. Because like I've already said - I am not here to make you comfortable with your decision.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 8:21:00 PM

Monday, November 26, 2012

It's never going to change. It's never going to change. It's never going to change. It's never going to change. It's never going to change. It's never going to change.It'snevergoingtochange. It'snevergoingtochang.It'snevergoingtochange. This is what has been going through my head for the last few days/weeks. If I think about it, I know it's true. Maybe 'never' is a bit much, but still. It won't be in a time frame I'm comfortable with. I've been compromising for a while now and... It's just not a compromise I want to continue anymore. It stresses me out and is driving me crazy. I've given him a long time to make a decision, and if actions speak louder than words, then his actions have been screaming and yelling for the better part of a year. I'm lost in this. I'm angry most of the time (though I hide it well and on purpose), stressed out, and utterly exhausted. Almost every waking moment I spend thinking about this situation that I've put myself in. It makes it so I can't sleep, or when I do sleep, I still wake up too tired for my day. I don't want to walk away from this, but I don't think I have any more choice, either. Soon I will ask him, as a veiled and desperate attempt at making him think about what he's doing, if him and Amanda are still a 'thing'. I already know the answer, but I want to hear it from him. When he asks why I'm asking, I'll tell him it's because I just need to make sure my head is on straight, that I know where I stand and where I'm going. Our relationship, really, is full of half-truths and skirting around certain issues. He won't really talk to me about her, or tell me when he hangs out with her, and I haven't mentioned Chris since that first time I went over to his house to hang out. I need a break. Someone let me off the world, please.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 7:33:00 AM

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

The hardest question I keep asking myself is "What if he doesn't love me back?" Or even enough? Or the same way? What in the world am I gonna do if he actually says no?

I can't imagine life completely without him. I find my heart stopping at the suggestion that we would never speak again. It makes me sick to think that basically because of the love I feel for him, I'd never see him again.

I want, so desperately, to surround myself with him. I know where I want to be and where I want to go after I graduate... And it's with him.

I always knew I wouldn't leave Oswego for him, so I always knew we had time. We don't have much time left anymore and now I feel like I know where I need or want to be and who I need or want to surround myself with.

I know we have our issues. He frustrates me, makes me angry and doesn't do everything I ask him or don't ask him to do (as if I should expect him to do what I'm thinking in my head if I never tell him, right?). But he challenges me to stand up for myself and slowly but surely I'm gaining ground here.

I love him. A lot. He's my best friend and my confidant and my lover. He's not perfect, but neither am I. I know my love isn't enough to 'fix' this if it's 'broken'. But I'm hoping he's willing to meet me half way.

I just have to start the conversation, knowing there is the distinct possibility I could get an answer I don't want...

1 in love...

Shannon @ 6:44:00 PM

Monday, January 31, 2011

Another Rant...

After a long talk with Tara, I have a slightly clearer view of what I want.

When I look into my future in four months, I see him. I see Tulsa. I see me getting into a car, packed full of my things, and taking a road trip to Tulsa... To my new home.

I have decided that the saddest part of our situation is that I love him so much and that every moment with him seems so right. I love being around him for the most part (like anyone, we have our fight), I love having him hold me and kiss me. I want to be his. But also knowing that it ends and that (maybe) nothing will come of it all.

But I have agreed to/endured/tolerated this best-friend-girlfriend situation because, as Tara said, I've had time to. Since we seriously started talking, I knew that where I belonged was in Oswego and that I wasn't going to leave there for him. So every talk of being together or whatever was years away. Now that future we talked about is mere months away and I don't have time to waste anymore. I don't have weeks to think about what I *think* he wants.

I need to grow a pair and just ask him straight out. "What do you want?" or "Is me moving to Tulsa what you want?" or "Would me moving to Tulsa be enough to get you to want to try us being together? Is that what it would take?"

I know what I want. I want to try being with him in a way we haven't had the opportunity to be yet. I want to try being his everyday, not just when it's convenient. And that opportunity is coming soon. However, I don't want to move down there under the idea of 'maybe' he'd try to see if we'd work out. I want to know that's what he wants. I want him to tell me that he would give it a try. But if that's not what he wants... I need to know that, too.

Essentially, the ball is in his court. "I don't know" won't cut it. He has to decide and tell me. He HAS to let me know. I need a game plan. I need a solid answer. I need help here. I've been as selfless as I can be for the last few years... And now that I know what I want and I'm not (less) afraid to say it, it's my turn to make the rules. I hate demanding things of people. It's going to be awkward. More than that, it is going to be beyond difficult to say "I don't know won't work any more. You need to decide what it is YOU want and what YOU need and if you would be willing to make this work. If not, I need to know that, too. So call me when you figure it out and let me know."

I'm afraid he won't chase after me. I'm afraid I'm not worth it to him. "If he doesn't, he's not worth it. He should know what he's losing and know better than to not."

Yeah, yeah. Easy to say, hard to believe. He's been in my life for seven years and I'm not sure I can imagine what it would be like without him.

0 in love...

Shannon @ 2:31:00 AM

Sunday, September 26, 2010

This is me...

...trying to get over you.
...telling myself it's the best way.
...telling myself that I deserve better... Even when all I want is you.
...trying, so hard, to make you see what you're on the verge of losing. So that maybe, just once, you'll try to save it.
...trying not to thinking about all the fun we had.
...trying not to ask you to come visit in October, or come meet my parents in November. You should say something first this time... I don't always want to be the only one.
...attempting to commit myself to a couple more months of relative solitude. Especially when I sleep or when I cry.
...trying to remember what it feels like to be loved for real. And remembering that that is what I deserve.
...trying to tell myself that it would be better for us if you were to end up with her. That somehow, despite how much it hurts to miss you now, in the end it would feel okay.
...missing you so much that it hurts... And wondering if you even so much as think about me during the day.
...trying to be your best friend. All while trying to hold out a glimmer of hope... Just in case you come around.
...trying to be mad at you... You were convinced that would make it easier on me.

Unfortunately... None of it's working too well. I don't know how to do this... I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.

2 in love...